Heart First
by breezer2
Summary: When Sam is hunted by the Kull warrior, she gets severely injured and loses her memory of the past eight years. While trying to step into her own shoes, she falls in love with Jack all over again.
1. Chapter I

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter I**

* * *

Something comes at her from a far distance. It's strange at first, but slowly it becomes clearer and finally translates to words.

"Hey there. Welcome back," a male voice says, and Sam forces her eyes to open. It takes a few blinks before she registers her surroundings. The room looks alien. Bare walls, no daylight—probably somewhere underground. Slight panic mixes with nausea, then years of military training kick in, and she pushes herself up only to be greeted by a sharp pain in her head. She flinches then feels a hand on her shoulder that presses her down.

"Take it easy," the voice says softly, and Sam sinks back into the cushions. The sheets feel familiar. That kind of standard military fabric she's woken up in before. Just this time, she can't remember how she got here.

A few deep breaths later, Sam risks opening her eyes again. The owner of the voice is blurry at first. Gradually his shape becomes solid. He's tall, tan, grey hair, warm brown eyes. Definitely military, maybe a doc.

"The doc will be here any time," he says and hands her a glass of water.

_Okay, not the doc._

When Sam takes the glass, her eyes wander over his hands. They are big and strong, with calluses in the right spots for shooting guns and holding P90s. Hell, who's that guy? Who but black-ops or cadets has so much weapon contact that their hands tell?  
She takes a sip and gives the glass back to him. His finger brushes along hers, and he doesn't move his hand away for a tad too long. When Sam dares to look into his face, she sees an array of emotions she has no use for. There's relief and fear and anger and something entirely else. Sam stares right back at him, confused about what he's sending. Then, from one second to the next, a perfect military mask slips on his face, and he pulls his hand away.

"You scared the hell out of us, Carter."

Okay, so he knows her. Well enough to be scared that she—pain shoots through her head again—yeah, hurt her head. He puts the glass down, and as he turns slightly, something on his BDU jacket catches Sam's attention. She tries to focus her eyes on the symbol on his shoulder. She's seen it before. Right, _no_, it can't be. The symbol Å. Earth's symbol. Her head starts spinning, and she closes her eyes. Before she can gather her thoughts, heeled footsteps clack towards her, followed by a set of heavier ones. There's something familiar about the second pair of steps.

"How is she," a female voice asks.

"Confused?" the male voice she now knows as the one of the stranger with the Å on his sleeve replies.

"Hey, kiddo."

Okay, she definitely knows this voice. Sam's eyes fly open and gathered around her bed is the attractive strange, a female doc and her dad.

"Dad?" Sam utters. She hasn't seen him in, what? Three years? Last time they spoke, he had given her a lecture about not wasting time at the Pentagon. Last time they met, he didn't wear a leather outfit that's half Jedi half knight. Her hand wanders to her head to feel for what she's expecting to be a big bandage covering some pretty big wound, but strangely there is nothing.

Sam's eyes dart from her weirdly dressed dad, to the weirdly caring stranger, to the doc who seems to be the only normal person and proves that right away when she steps forward and flashes a bright light into Sam's eyes.

"Sam, how are you feeling?"

Good question.

"My head hurts."

"That's perfectly normal. It was a severe injury if it weren't for your dad and Selmak we couldn't have saved you," the doctor says. Sam is less touched by what she's saying and more by how she is saying. As if they know each other. As if they are friends. Just, Sam has never met this woman before. Her confusion is quickly followed by another one when she wonders: _dad and who saved me? _

"What happened?" Sam asks, her voice feeling odd in her mouth.

The concerned expression on the doc's face becomes more intense. The Å-guy twitches and is about to say something, but before he can do so, the doc lifts her hand and gestures him to stop.

"What's the last you remember, Sam?"

"I, uh, I don't know." Sam really doesn't, and it scares the hell out of her. Pain is throbbing in her head, and she's trying hard to focus on something that isn't the pair of brown eyes she woke up to.

"I had an early briefing. It was still dark outside when I left for work and got a coffee on the way."

Did she have a car accident? It was winter if she remembered right—it would be much easier to think if her head wouldn't feel like exploding.

Her dad, the doc, and the stranger don't seem happy with her recount.

"Can you remember how you got injured?" the doc asks as she injects something into the transfusion that's hooked up to Sam's arm. Painkillers, Sam hopes.

Sam's brain is trying to fill the gap. Unfortunately, there's nothing to latch onto, nothing that feels real and not just like a repetition of her daily routine.

"No," she says defiantly and looks to her dad in the hope of finally understanding what's going on. Where is she? And also, who's this Å-guy who looks at her so intensely? His face is perfectly neutral, but she can tell it's a beard. There's something about him that feels oddly familiar. Like she can trust him with her life even though she doesn't even know his name.

"Sam, what date is it?" the doc asks after exchanging a glance with the stranger.

_Oh no._ Sam prays that she hasn't been in a coma for the past months or even years. It would explain why there's no injury. Frantically she looks around for any a clue of what date it is. Her eyes fall onto her hands. On her right palm is a scar which she's never seen before.

"Carter," the stranger says. She's never been a fan of being called by her last name. It's so military, so dude-like. Just that out of his mouth, it sounds nothing like that. It's personal and intimate and does a weird thing to her insides, which only boosts her confusion.

Sam doesn't know what date it is, nor where she is, and she has a slight feeling that the last thing she remembers is not the last thing she did. Someone please just tell her.

Another set of footsteps announce the arrival of yet another person. When Sam looks up, she sees a short, bald Air Force General with an air of familiarity about him. A second later, she remembers. George Hammond. Dad's old friend. _Here we go, brain_. It's all coming back—just what is he doing here, causing everyone to snap into attention? Everyone except the Å-guy.

"Good to see you up, Major," George Hammond says with a friendly smile as he steps towards her bed.

_Major?_

Quickly Sam looks around, searching for the Major George is talking to. There's no other patient but her so she wonders if the stranger might be the Major, maybe he was injured too. No, he's too old, she decides and the way George looks at her he was talking to her.

"Major?" Sam utters. By the shocked expression on everyone's face, she's pretty sure she's missing a huge, giant detail — something like a new rank, which she would definitely remember.

* * *

Jack rushes out of the elevator on level 23 and bumps directly into Daniel. The impact sends papers flying and coffee over Daniel's shirt, but Jack doesn't care to look or slow down. Instead, he storms forward. Daniel has a hard time catching up and follows a few steps behind. He's fanning his shirt to cool down coffee-hot fabric but knows well enough not to point out Jack's rude behavior.

"Sam can't remember what happened?" Daniel asks.

"Nope," Jack replies sharply.

"She can't remember anything?"

"She remembers her dad."

"That's it?"

If there's any reaction at all, Jack is only ducking his head to reduce wind resistance to walk even faster without actually running towards the meeting room.

"Jack," Daniel calls out. "I got a call telling me that Sam woke up from a two-day coma and has lost her memories. I'm worried too. Could you just not be a dick and tell me what…"

Jack comes to a stop so abruptly that Daniel walks right into him and spills the remaining coffee next to the earlier stain. Daniel suppresses a curse and looks reproachfully at Jack when he turns around.

"Her brain is wiped from the past seven years. The last thing she remembers is working at the Pentagon on the Stargate Program. Right before we went to Abydos."

Jack looks scary. He often does, but this expression is reserved for when Sam is lost. Or Sam is injured. The last time he wore it was only three days ago when they stepped onto the Alpha site into the devastation left by the Kull attack with Sam nowhere to be found.

"The Goa'Uld hand device can't help?" Daniel offers. Based on Jack's mood, probably not.

"If we stop talking, we can join the meeting where Fraiser is telling us all about it," Jack snaps and turns around to finally reach his destination.

Daniel sighs and follows Jack up the stairs to the meeting room where Jacob, Fraiser, Teal'c, and General Hammond are already waiting.

"Dr. Fraiser, any new information about Major Carter's condition," Hammond asks after Jack and Daniel have settled in their respective chairs.

"I've consulted with Dr. Hudson, a neurologist, as well as with Dr. MacKenzie. According to our tests and from what Sam has been telling us, it appears she has lost her memory of the past eight years," Dr. Fraiser says. "We believe her traumatic brain injury caused the amnesia. We have tried the Goa'Uld healing device again. Unfortunately, without success."

The images of the rescue mission come back with overwhelming clarity. Suffocating heat, hot sweat running down his back, a drone hunting Carter. The three of them had been searching the area for hours. Teal'c, himself, and the fear of finding Carter dead as the third companion. The terrain was uneven. Trees and rocks, dells and rivers. Every bigger stone, Jack's heart stopped until he walked around and confirmed that there wasn't a blonde head or a green BDU covered in blood. Eventually, they came to a valley where he saw her in a one-on-one fight with the drone. Usually, he doesn't need to think to pull his weapon and shoot. It's like it is a part of his body that moves without being told so. Not so this one time it mattered. He looked at Carter, watched her dangle in the grip of the Kull, her face turning pale, and her limbs soft. Only when her eyes meet his—past the drone, past the treeline, to where he stepped out of cover, he shot. The drone struggled, dropping Carter so that her head hit a big sharp rock, immediately staining it in a deep red. Jack shot again and then started running. If Carter was dead, it didn't matter if the drone was still alive. If Carter was gone, he didn't need his life anymore.

"It freaked her out at first...now she's _studying_ the technology," Jacob says with a faint smile.

At least the old Carter is still there, Jack thinks and looks at the empty seat next to him. They only leave chairs free when someone is missing or worse, but Carter is ten stories above them. Breathing, walking, talking—just that the woman up there is not his Carter. The one in the infirmary looks at him with respect and suspicion. The thing in her eyes that makes Jack feel like a good man is gone.

"What are the chances of recovery?" Hammond asks.

"We can't say that for sure. It may take weeks or months or years, or her memory won't come back at all," Fraiser says, and everyone stays silent.

* * *

"I lost my memory, not my ability to walk," Sam sighs and glares at Dr. Fraiser. Something in her demeanor tells Sam that Janet is quite used to stubborn patients.

"Okay, Sam, where do you want to go?" Dr. Fraiser says, and Sam plops back to her bed. _Good point._

The small woman puts her hand on Sam's shoulder and says, "Just give us two more days. We'll finish some more tests, and then you're good to go."

Fraiser looks at her like everyone else does. Like if they stare at her for long enough, she will remember them. It would be nice if that's how it worked. She still can't remember anyone or anything. She's been trying for days. Her father has been patiently telling her what happened in the past eight years. It sounds pretty amazing. She exceeded everything she always dreamed of, joined the Stargate Program not only as a scientist to get the gate to work but as a member of the star-team SG-1. Together with the stranger who she now knows is her CO, Colonel Jack O'Neill. She had read his file when they prepared for the first trip through the gate — a black-ops-nothing-to-loose-kinda-guy. Then there's Dr. Daniel Jackson. He's spent quite some time trying to help her remember. He also lost his memory a while back when he was… she forgot the details of his story, but his memory came back and hers not. Maybe because they let him go on a mission right away and didn't imprison him in the infirmary. And Teal'c, of course. The big alien who doesn't say much, but when he does, everything seems to make sense. Apparently, they are good together. Saved the world once or twice, which made her earn several new medals and a shiny Major title. It sounds fantastic—like a movie just not like her life.

Sam sighs and closes her eyes, and when she opens them again, she finds Colonel Jack O'Neill leaning in the door. He hasn't been around much, which isn't surprising. After all, he's the base's second in command. CO's don't sit next to your bed, holding hands, which makes her wonder why he was there when she woke up. Thinking about it now, she's pretty sure he seemed sleepy, just like he had spent the night on a chair next to her bed.

"Sir," Sam jumps to attention, even tries a salute. If she wants to go back to work and actually live the spectacular life she's been living, then the Colonel needs to see that even with a lost memory, she is up for the job.

On Colonel O'Neill's face amusement mixes with a painful flinch.

"I'm only going to say this once, Carter: At ease."

He tries a smile that somewhere along the way goes wrong, so he stops. Instead, he pulls a cup of blue Jell-O from behind his back and puts it on her bedside table.

Sam can't conceal her surprise. She had had good COs. Not many. Some of them cared about their team members. None ever brought, yet remembered she likes Jell-O. The blue one.

"That usually gets you back up to your feet," he says and pushes his hands into his pockets.

"If only the feet were the problem," Sam says and slumps back to her bed.

"Yeah," he mumbles.

"I've been reading through my old reports. We did some pretty cool things."

His face lights up, and he says, "Have you read about how you blew up the sun?"

"I blew up a sun?" Sam says with bewilderment.

"Oh yeah. It wiped out an entire Goa'Uld fleet," the Colonel says proudly and rocks back and forth on his heels.

Sam can't stop the big smile that's spreading on her lips. Major Carter seems to be well respected—even a tough cookie like the Colonel likes her. He smiles back, and then their eyes just won't let go of each other. A weird tingle starts in her stomach, and Sam quickly looks away and says, "Cool."

_Uh, that was odd._

The Colonel clears his throat. "Have fun with the reports. And if you need anything, Jell-O, a yoyo, you know where to find me." He pauses, then corrects himself, "Actually, you don't. But you're smart. You gonna figure it out."

He taps on the door and smiles again before turning around and leaving her wondering about this slightly unusual dynamic between them.

A "Hey," pulls her out of her thoughts, and she finds Jacob holding a cup a blue Jell-O.

"I see someone had the same idea," he says and nods to the cup Colonel O'Neill has brought her.

"Yeah," Sam says, trying to figure out if her dad knows who brought her favorite dessert.

"Listen, Sam. This is really bad timing, but I have to leave, and I'm not sure when I'll be coming back," Jacobs says, looking troubled.

"What do you mean?"

"Things kind of got screwed up while you were out there. The Tok'ra-Jaffa alliance is in trouble," Jacob explains.

"I don't understand." She doesn't. Her father has briefly told her about the Tok'ra-Jaffa alliance. About how they came together to free the universe from the Goa'Uld. But there's so much new information in her head right now, that she can't piece the right ends together.

"You don't need to know the details right now. Let's just say we're going our separate ways for a while. If I stay with the Tok'ra, I can at least try to mend some fences."

She hasn't needed her father in years. They hardly spoke and yet in the last week got closer than ever before. She doesn't want him to leave, not now when she's so lost in this new world, but her childish stubbornness takes over, and she says, "That's fine, dad. I'm good."

Jacob sighs and smiles fondly.

"You are kiddo. You are."

* * *

Two days later, Jack steps into the infirmary and finds Carter slipping into a blue pair of BDUs—the same color the rest of SG-1 is wearing. He takes that as a little sign of success. Or maybe Daniel has brought her the set.

"Ready?" he says, and when she turns around with her typical 'let's go and kick some ass' expression, he has to remind himself that the woman in front of him is not quite the one he knows inside out.

"Colonel," Carter says, suppressing the urge to snap into attention. Jack has no time to make a snappy comment because Daniel says, "What do you want to see first?"  
Daniel, the humanist, seems to have no problem at all to treat Carter for who she is now. Jack is half angry, half jealous about Daniel's skill because all he can see is the Carter she is not.

"The gate," she says with the typical Carteresque are-you-kidding-me-attitude. Okay, so maybe she's still the Carter he has come to know and… well… it's still Carter.

They walk through the halls of the mountain while Daniel blabbers one anecdote after the next. Daniel checks his watch. "SG-13 is leaving for a mission to PX2-7D8 in five minutes. So we can see the gate in action."

Jack can't see her face, but he's pretty sure that her eyes just widened a little bit. Daniel is about to swipe the doors to the gateroom open when Jack has a different idea.

"Come on," he says and nods to the steps to the control room. "You build that thing. You'll figure out how to dial out."

She looks at him in disbelief, and before his smile gives everything he's feeling away, he turns around to climb the steps. When Carter enters the control room, a respectful silence spreads. Everyone is looking at her — the brain and heart behind their gate to the universe. From the corner of his eye, he watches her take in everything. The computers, the machines, the thingies he still can't name. This is her element. If anything can bring her back, it might be this. When he watches her take the seat Walter immediately vacates and look at the computer, Jack understands that Carter has never left this world. This is what she remembers and nothing of what awaits behind the gateway she has helped to open. Carter forgot SG-1 but not the machines.

Carter's fingers dance confidently over the keyboard like Jack has seen it a million times, but when she says, "Chevron 7 locked," he hears the nervousness in her voice. He tries to watch the wormhole form as he has never seen it before—as Carter must watch it. And it is spectacular. A blue vortex explodes out of nowhere and then calms down to a puddle that illuminates the gateroom in soft blue light that reflects so perfectly of Carter's pale skin. Her face a reflection of the first time she stood next to him, ready to head into the unknown. _Damn._ He's been staring again.


	2. Chapter II

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter I****I**

* * *

After two weeks in the mountain, Sam knows every level, hallway, elevator, every nook, and corner. It gives her the false illusion of remembering something, yet it's nothing else but diligence. Day after day, Sam sits in her lab reading books about astrophysics (apparently she wrote one), a manual to a particle-beam (apparently she invented one), notes about any alien device that ever crossed her fingers (she was very productive). If she can't force her memory to come back, at least she can relearn the things she once knew about alien and gate technology and get her spot on SG-1 back this way. She wouldn't know what else to do. Work is her life. And it seems that this fact hasn't changed in the past seven years.

Every now and then, Daniel, Teal'c, or the Colonel come by and keep her company. Teal'c and Daniel try to help her remember and the Colonel, well, he's mostly goofing around. Sam has to admit that his visits are the ones she's looking forward to the most. His silly act lets her forget for a few minutes that something is wrong with her.

Sam takes a sip of her coffee and looks at the stacks of reports on her desk. Seven years are a lot to catch up on, especially when you can't help yourself and read not only your own report but also the Colonel's, Daniel's, and Teal'c's. What Teal'c lacks in detail, Daniel makes up for in many colorful words. Even though now in year four, his reports have become shorter—if six pages for a two-day mission can be considered short.

She reaches for the next report. PX6-263. A mission that wasn't a mission but a blatant violation of direct orders. Alien-wrist-bands from a race called Atoneeks had lent them superpowers. Charged up and cocky, she, Colonel O'Neill and Daniel had disregarded General Hammond's orders and went to PX6-263 to blow up Apophis' ship. Sam's is dying to get her hands on these wristbands to study them in more detail, but she pretty sure _Major Carter_ (as she started to think of her other self) did that already. Is it weird to be jealous of yourself?

As Sam is reading through her report, how the wristband lost its power, and she got trapped behind a forcefield inside of Apophis' mothership, she gets the strange feeling that something is off. Like there's missing detail. One section deviates from the way she usually formulates her reports. So she searches for Colonel O'Neill's report. Her fingers slide over his words. Short, pragmatic, a hint of irony lurking in every sentence. She finds the passage that threw her off in her report, but his words don't bring much clarity. With a sigh, she leans back in her chair. It's more than three years ago. It doesn't matter. Yet something is nagging her with persistence—almost like a very blurry memory.

Sam shakes her head and dares a look at her watch. It's 8:30 pm. The alternative to reading reports is sitting in her private quarters, watching the horrors of sitcom TV, or getting sucked into a spiral of life existential thoughts. Both not very appealing. She's finally cleared to go home, but after the first trip to her house with Daniel, Sam decided the mountain was her home for now. There's just too much to catch up on. Her most recent CD collection or the lack of message on her voice-mail aren't quite as exciting as SG-1 mission reports.

If she wants to do anything different than _Major Carter_, it is getting a life. It can't be all aliens and team members.

As if on command Colonel O'Neill enters her lab. He's out of uniform and looks even more attractive in a black leather jacket and jeans. The fact that he doesn't wear a wedding band does something to her heart she rather doesn't define.

"This is a cliche," Colonel O'Neill says like he expected to find Sam in her lab way past working hours.

"Major Carter is a workaholic, huh?"

He smirks and picks up the last report she was reading. There's a moment of aha or maybe oho in his demeanor. He drops the report back on her desk without further explanation. "The doohickey SG-5 brought back from PX4-861 keeping you busy?"

"All done with it," Sam answers, pushing the old reports to the side. The way he just reacted made her even more curious, but something deep inside her is reluctant to ask questions. "It's actually quite interesting," Sam says instead. "It jams the frequencies the Goa'uld use for communication and the remote control devices like the ring…"

"Ahhh, no technobabble Carter," Colonel O'Neill cuts her off and gestures wildly with his hands.

"Technobabble?" she asks, trying to sound indignant, but it won't quite work because of that boyish smirk on his lips.

"It's when you talk physics until my head explodes." He grabs a pen from her table to flip it between his fingers.

"Ah," she says and can't bite down a smile. Those little banters make her unreasonably happy.

"So, wanna get out of here? Dinner at O'Malleys. I have a great story to tell you about that place," Colonel O'Neill says casually, but it doesn't get to her quite that casual. Sam stiffens, and her heart picks up a beat. She tries to put his offer into context. Her face must give away all she's thinking, because he smirks and says, "Relax Carter, it's just dinner. We're coworkers—friends, some might say."

Something about the way he says it lets her not quite believe they are _just_ coworkers. Another thought she shoves away.

"Or, do you prefer another dinner out of the fine kitchen of Cheyenne Mountain?" Colonel O'Neill teases.

Sam hesitates for a brief moment then remembers she already decided against the alternatives, so she says, "Okay, I'm quickly going to change."

"Great," he says and claps his hands. "T and I are gonna wait topside."

She's trying to ignore the tiny disappointed sting coming from the fact that Teal'c is joining too.

* * *

Dinner has turned into drinks, and Carter finishing off some strangers at the pool table. Of course, she had challenged Jack the moment she spotted the table, but luckily he knew better. Carter pulled his pants down once, and even though he would do anything so she remembers, this is not one of the things.

Either the amnesia is a hoax, or she can read his mind because she's now walking towards him with a measuring smile on her lips. "Did it bruise your ego?"

He takes a swig from his beer. "There's no ego left to bruise."

She burst into loud laughter. A sound Jack hasn't heard in a long time. He can't help but stare at her and remember why he has built up all those walls. Because with something as simple as a laugh, she can turn the grumpy old man his heart is into a young, overly excited teenager who has nothing better to do than somersault in his chest. He's become so good at ignoring his feelings that he fooled himself into thinking they perished. Even when she almost died because of Niirtis DNA alterations or when she was lost with the Prometheus, Jack had gotten his feelings back under control quickly. Tricked himself in the belief, it was nothing else but worries for his friend. Just this new old Carter makes a mess of his neatly set up house of cards.

"I doubt that," Carter jokes, saving it with a borderline insubordinate "Sir."

He recognizes the lightness in her quip. It's like before they confessed their feelings. Before, they stuffed them into a naquadah box and sealed it. It's the Carter he fell in love with. And he's falling again.

* * *

Sam steps in the elevator headed topside. It's the first weekend she's staying away from the base. Maybe she's going for a hike—it's Colorado after all. Lands of ever snowy peaks and blue waters. And then there's this thing tonight. Seems like _Major Carter_ had a bit of a life after all.

The elevator comes to a stop on the next level, and Colonel O'Neill steps in.

"Carter."

"Sir."

He's wearing the leather jacket again.

"Big Friday night plans?"

It's perfectly normal to tell your CO, your friend, as he said, that you're going on a date. It's just weird that she doesn't want to. And because she doesn't want to, she forces herself to say, "Actually, I'm going on a date."

It is as if her words have popped a giant, happy balloon, and now all that's left are sad shreds.

"Ah," he notes, his eyes hefted to the counting numbers of the elevator.

"Apparently Major Carter has a boyfriend," Sam offers as explanation.

"Right."

"He seems like a nice guy."

He doesn't answer. By floor 19, the conversation is pretty dead, but Sam can't quite give up on it and tries to revive it with another question, "Have you met him?"

"Briefly."

It's impossible to give shorter answers. If it weren't completely absurd, Sam would say Colonel O'Neill is acting kind of jealous.

"You don't like him," she remarks.

"Listen, Carter…"

"I trust your judgment. I can't remember, so if you know something, I don't…"

"Carter, it's none of my business."

"How did you meet?"

He sighs, knowing all too well that she won't let go. "He showed up on a mission outside the facility and got injured."

"Oh…"

Secretly following her is not a trait she appreciates in a person.

"Haven't read all the reports yet, huh?"

"How did he know where I was?"

Colonel O'Neill's eyes drop to his boot as if there's a better answer to the one he can give.

"Sir?" she probes him.

"He ran a background check on you." It's painful to watch someone being so uncomfortable in his skin.

"You never told me, did you?"

For the first time since she dropped the d-word, he looks at her.

"He made you hum." He shrugs his shoulders and looks back to his boots. The fact that Mister Cool is a bit flustered makes her want to call off her date, but that would probably be the very wrong move.

The elevator comes to a stop, and they step into the warm summer night. He nods at her and heads for his car.

"It's the way you talk," she says, and he stops.

"You didn't tell me because you wanted to protect me."

A quick smile flutters over his face and comes to rest in his eyes.

"Being able to read me is one of your maddening traits," the Colonel says, then nods as a goodbye.

* * *

It's not his fault that the infirmary separates beds with flimsy curtains instead of soundproofed walls. So not his fault that he is basically forced to listen to a somewhat private conversation between Carter and Fraiser.

Jack just got back from the new Alpha-Site. A quick control visit on how the construction is going. It's a planet carefully selected based on all kinds of parameters. A planet to serve as Earth 2 if anything goes wrong with number 1 and still Doc Fraiser insists on a post-mission check-up. To cap it, the nurse is letting him wait. It's all very annoying, and he has spun at least three pranks to make Fraiser pay for it until he hears Fraiser ask, "So Sam. Anything coming back or feeling more familiar?"

"Not really," Carter answers.

"Not really?" Fraiser presses.

"Well, I dream a lot. Some dreams feel very real. More like a memory than a dream. I read all the reports, but I can't fit my dream into any of the missions."

"Have you asked the guys?"

"Ahm, no…" Carter pauses and then says, "It… feels uhm intimate."

Jack almost drops the scissor he is playing with.

"And you are sure it's not just a dream?" Fraiser says.

"I don't know. It feels different than a dream. Short moments and intense feelings."

"Do you want to tell me?"

_Dear God, no. Or yes?_ The only real answer is: he needs to get out of here. Before he can escape, Carter gets up and is suddenly very close to the curtain, and Jack knows if he's only doing as much as blink, she'll sense it. So staying put it is.

Carter sighs and says shyly, "It might be just a dream and then…"

"The brain processes information while we sleep. Your memories are still in your subconscious, so maybe in your sleep, your brain can access them."

Carter sighs again. "Well, actually, it fits one report. It's just not in it."

_Oho._

Carter's voice drops some levels. Like a moth to the light, Jack moves closer and holds his breath.

"I'm trapped behind a force shield on a Goa'Uld ship. The Colonel is there on the other side. He's trying to free me. He's pretty desperate…"

It's coming hot and cold at him. _Please no. _This can't be the only memory she has. He doesn't even dare to think about what this can mean.

"He's smashing the field with some sort of pole and is getting more and more worked up. I'm telling him to leave."

Carter stops and sighs. Probably searching Fraiser's face for a clue, and it seems she found one.

"This is not just a dream, is it?" Carter asks with a wry voice.

It is as if her words have glued him right to where he's standing. His mind tells him to run. To sneak out of the infirmary before it's too late, just his limbs won't follow orders and keep him stuck right there so can hear Fraiser say, "You should talk to the Colonel… If you feel like knowing more about it." Fraiser is rather sharp. For obvious reasons, she's not so happy about getting pulled into this mess again.

"But, Sam," Fraisers voice now upbeat. "It's a good sign. Your memories are still there somewhere."

"Yeah."  
Carter sounds everything but happy. Jack can hear her leave and lets out a breath. With Carter gone, he is getting his body back under control and is about to tiptoe out when he hears the curtain being pulled. He turns around with presentiment and, like expected, finds Fraiser staring right at him.

She lets out a long sigh and then says, "I can't decide if it's good that it's you or not."

_Oh boy._

* * *

It's the first time she feels useful ever since she woke up to this new life. It's been four weeks already, and patience had never been her forte. SG-4 brought back a device from a newly discovered ancient outpost, so for the past two days, she and Daniel have been trying on figuring out what it does. Daniel translates, Sam checks and measures and has finally figured out how to turn it on. She's pretty sure _Major Carter _would be faster, but she had seven years of practice and not a three-week crash course.

"Did you remember Goa'Uld and all the other languages when you came back from being ascended," Sam asks without looking up from the piece of alien technology in front of her. She's played the strong soldier for the past weeks, pretending she can handle the situation. It's moments when the Colonel comes by and seems surprised that she hasn't made any progress in which she knows, she's not the person they expect her to be.

Daniel looks up. "Uh, yeah."

After a moment, he adds, "I didn't remember who I was, though."

"So, you say I'm lucky?" Sam looks at him without trying to fit the role she thinks she needs to play. He told her they were friends, so let's give it a try.

"In some ways, yes. You can relearn the technology, which Goa'Uld is really evil, and which one you can use as an ally from time to time. It's much harder to get to know yourself. At first, I didn't want to know about the old me. I wasn't sure if I would like who I was."

Danie is speaking from her heart. Even though she remembers who she is, she's still missing seven years, and they seem to be the most critical years of her life.

"I thought we had a thing," Daniel says casually. A cheap attempt to lighten her mood, and it works. She laughs out loud and shakes her head. "Really?"

"I take it you didn't think that?" he says in feign disappointment.

"No. I didn't get that feeling."

"Well, I'm not into you either."

"Good, so we're friends."

"Good friends."

They go back to working silently when Daniel pauses again.

"We are good together, you know. You, Teal'c, Jack, and I."

"Yeah, it's strange. I feel a connection with you guys. Very different to Pete."

The date had been horrible. Pete was a nice guy. Cute in his way. But Sam couldn't piece together what had attracted badass _Major Carter_ to this guy.

"You've only been dating a couple of months. We went through a lot. Saved each others lives, thought we'd die together, defeated enemies together. It's not fair to judge him based on one date," Daniel says.

"I know. It's just… The person I was eight years ago would have never dated him. It feels odd. Like, I don't know, like I just wanted a boyfriend." Sam huffs in embarrassment.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not easy to meet people with what we do. And he didn't seem intimidated by the idea of having a superhero as a girlfriend."

"Yeah… I broke it off anyway," Sam mumbles and is grateful that Daniel doesn't probe for why because it would force her to elaborate the reason besides an unsuccessful first date for why she'd rather be single at the moment.


	3. Chapter III

**Heart First **

* * *

**Chapter III**

* * *

It's finally happening. She's back at SG-1. Has mastered every medical and psychological test, exceeded at target practice, proved herself in a sparring battle with Teal'c, and did a convincing job at playing _Major Carter_ when she briefed SG-1 on PX2-978. It's a routine mission really. Nothing close to the hazardous trips SG-1 is famous for. Teal'c has assured her most of their missions start as routine and end up somewhere near disaster. Sam's not sure that's a good thing but appreciates Teal'c's attempt of not making her feel like dead weight. It's always hard to join a tight-knit team. Even harder when you try to fill your own way too big shoes. But she's never been one to give up easily, and she's definitely not getting intimidated by_ Major Carter_. When Sam slips into her gear, she does it with such naturalness that she wonders if maybe her body remembers and only her mind has forgotten.

* * *

The wormhole establishes with a loud swoosh, and it sends Jack back seven years. From the corner of his eye, he watches Carter step closer. Her eyes sparkle in the glow of the event horizon, and Jack understands that the first time he saw her in front of the wormhole, all excited and not one little bit scared, he fell for her. Now they are standing where it all began; the insane trip with SG-1 and this thing between them.

Daniel pats Carter on the shoulder, and Teal'c stops for one of his bows, then they disappear in the liquid blue. Jack wonders if it's weird that he can recall their conversation from the first time they stepped through the gate, but shoos the doubt away, smiles to himself and says, "Lady's first."

Carter looks at him with a teasing glint. It's one of the rare times she's in the moment without wondering what _Major Carter _would do. It's just her and god has he missed her. There's no doubt in her capabilities just strength and infectious excitement.

Carter doesn't take her eyes from the wobbly blue when she asks, "Any last wise words?"

He smiles, and she turns around, inquiring an answer.

"Last time you did this for the first time, you started to technobabble."

"And you told me to shut up?"

"I shoved you through the gate."

She squints and then repeats her earlier question.

He steps next to her.

"Remember who the bad guys are?

She turns her head to give him a Teal'c-worthy brow raise.

"Good. Everything else is muscle memory."

And then, just for luck, he pushes her into the blue puddle.

"Ahhh, trees," Jack's enunciates and earns an annoyed look from Daniel.

"The temple is eight clicks south," Carter says, her eyes pinned to the compass. She leads onward, Daniel and Teal'c falling into her step. Carter is back. A few memories less or not, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Their walk is uneventful, only spiked with Daniel's anecdotes of previous missions. Stuff that didn't make it into mission reports—just like the one thing she apparently can remember. The one time he had lost his cool. When his heart and his brain clicked together like two longing to communicate, and the truth set it that this with her was never just infatuation. The little prayers he sent must have worked for the first time ever because she didn't come, like Fraiser suggested, and asked him about her dream. And that's good, because what could he possibly tell her? The truth? She deserved it. It's her story, too. The reason why she was almost sedated and tied to a bed for an indefinite time. But he can't do that to her—to him—again.

They arrive at the temple as the sun is setting, so they decide, well Jack decides against Daniel's protest, to do a quick perimeter check and then set up camp. The ruins have been standing away for a couple of thousand years—they will be here tomorrow. Just to annoy Daniel, Jack sends him and Teal'c to check the periphery while he takes Carter to scout the temple. It turns out to be equally uneventful as their march. Their wavering flashlights uncover Goa'Uld engravings and symbols. One side part of the temple is destroyed. Columns lie around as if a giant hit a bowling strike. At the end of the main room, two corridors wind in opposite directions. Judging by the untouched sand and dust, Jack is confident enough to send Carter in one, while he is following the other corridor. Jack's a few steps in when his radio burps to life.

"Hey, it's Daniel!"

Yeah, no kidding. No one else uses the radio as a telephone.

"We found another temple."

Oh, he hates surprises.

"How come the UAV didn't pick it up?"

"It's much smaller and underground. Just a hidden entry."

"Do not go in, Daniel."

Silence is never a good answer.

"Uh, it's just one room."

Jack curses and hurries back.

"Carter, back to the main room. Daniel and T found another temple."

"Copy, Sir."

"Teal'c, don't let him touch anything."

It's probably too late for that, but Jack adds it anyway just so he can say later when they unleashed yet another catastrophe 'I told you not to touch.'

He steps out of the corridor and collides with Carter in a full-frontal crash. So much about watching your surroundings. There's an awkward moment when they detangle their limbs, then they rush out, exiting the temple just in time to spot staff weapon volleys zoom through the woods.

Did he mention he hates surprises?

A brief look at Carter and they are ducking their way towards the epicenter of the fight. All they can see through the thicket are yellow shots of staff weapons and white once from zats. It must be at least ten jaffa. Probably more. Highly outnumbered, SG1's only advantage is the jaffa don't know Jack and Carter are out there. They crawl up a little hill and yep, 18 jaffa, four down already, and Teal'c in the middle. First, Daniel seems to have disappeared, but then Jack spots him unconsciously (hopefully) in the arms of two jaffa.

"C4?" Carter whispers, and yeah, he likes how she's thinking. Jack nods, and Carter starts sticking C4 to apple-sized rocks. She hands him the first little parcel, which he throws it just past the crowd. The others follow and now he needs to warn Teal'c.

"Cover," Jack says into the radio and Teal'c immediately crouches. Carter presses the trigger. Five explosions rip holes into the air taking out eleven jaffa. Two more go down in his crossfire, Carter aims and kills for four, Teal'c the remaining one. A holler of triumph climbs up in his throat but is cut off when Jack spots the two jaffa with Daniel move to a clearing in the woods, and then with a beam of light, they disappear.

"Crap." Jack jumps to his feet and climbs down to Teal'c, sensing Carter right behind him.

"What was that? And who?" Jack barks at Teal'c who's making sure the jaffa are dead.

"Ba'al."

That guy again. Jack could have easily survived another year or so without meeting Ba'al again.

Twenty dead jaffa blend into the muddy ground, two took Daniel. Aka a large troop, which means either most of them are dead now or there's an entire mothership with more hovering over their heads. Jack likes option one. Judging by Teal'c brooding look option two it is. Jack is still thinking about how to get Daniel back when suddenly Carter yanks her weapon up and sends a bullet on its way right through the little gap between him and Teal'c. As he swirls his shoulder out of the way, Jack wonders if he should have made more clear _who_ the enemy is. Behind him, he hears a grunt, then a clonk and a jaffa drops dead to his feet.

Jack stares at Carter like she's insane while Teal'c casually says, "Thank you, Major Carter." Though an impressed eye-brow raise is not concealable.

"Sure," she returns with the devil in her eyes.

Words are back in his mouth, so Jack says, "Let's go get Daniel back."

There's no way Jack is going to let Daniel suffer through Ba'al torture. He'd rather die trying to rescue Daniel than live with the knowledge that someone else has to go through a hell Jack knows too well. He grabs the ring controller from the dead Jaffa, and when he looks up, he finds Carter watching him closely. Of course, she has read his report, and even though he had been as vague as possible, she knows.

"They'll send another group when they notice only two jaffa came back. We should wait until they are down here and then beam up," Carter says, tearing her eyes away from Jack.

"MajorCarter is right. It could give us the much-needed advantage," Teal'c agrees. And so they hide in the bushes, waiting for the beam of light to carry more jaffa. The minutes waiting pass as if time decided to tick at a slower pace, but once they hear the zinging sound of the rings, it changes pace and gallops forward. Eight jaffa come down and are overwhelmed quickly in the SG1 ambush. Carter, Teal'c, and Jack rush to the rings. For a second, Jack enjoys the feeling of being not from stabile matter at all.

They might land in their prison. It's not a move according to military strategy. The fact that Carter doesn't question, not even hesitates, restores all his belief in her. She might not remember, but she instinctively knows what it means to be on SG-1.

Once their pieces are put back into their respective places—Jack still has the urge to check if everything down there is where it belongs—they rush into cover. Jaffa could learn a thing from the AirForce because a transport bay would have never be left alone. But Jack's not going to question their luck.

After a couple of minutes, no jaffa patrol arrives, so Teal'c leads the way to where he believes Daniel must be held as a prisoner. If they could zip in and out without stumbling across Ba'al that would be nice.

Carter dances through the ship like she's never done anything else. Jack watches her slipping from corner to corner—obviously to check if she's really up for the job—but he's always been good at lying to himself because he is at aw. He knows she's capable. More than most men he ever served with. Working with her for years, he's learned to take her for granted, but this new Carter is a reminder of how amazing she is. When a lonely jaffa steps around the corner, she takes him out with a single shot out of her P-90. And suddenly, Jack feels all hot by the thought that Carter can kill him in more ways than ordinary women can think of seducing him.

As they sneak through yet another set of doors, brassy steps announce the arrival of a jaffa army. Their shadows are hovering on the walls, becoming taller with every step the jaffa come closer. With no time to spare, Teal'c slips into a nook, and Jack pulls Carter into the only other tiny alcove. It's impossibly tight. She's pressed flush against his body, and Jack sends a little thank you for layers of tactical vests and P-90s that forcefully create an almost professional distance. Carter has stopped breathing and stares at him with wide blue eyes. It's not fear but something more along the lines of realization. Like something is waving at her from far away and she's squinting her eyes to see what it is. The steps doom past them without even a sliver of hesitation. When they trail off, Jack still doesn't dare to move because Carter is completely lost in her thoughts, trying to grab them before they slip through her fingers and take off again.

"An army of Kull."

_Jeez, how did Teal'c sneak up on him like this?_

Jack lets go of Carter, almost pushing her away because he's suddenly very aware of how tightly he had been pressing her to his body. Tac vests or not.

"How many?"

"Hundred."

"Fuck."

"Since when does Ba'al have Kull?"

Teal'c and Jack share a look of embarrassment because—memory loss or not—Carter is still the brain of the team.

"If Ba'al has created his own Kull warriors, the balance between the System Lords is at risk. Perhaps he is planning an attack on Anubis," Teal'c says.

"Let's find out," Jack says for the lack of adding something equally smart or observant.

They continue their way, abandoning the Daniel rescue mission for a stint to the Kull origin. Jack casts a last glance at Carter, who seems to be all back in the here and now of the Goa'Uld ship. He briefly toys with the idea of asking what was going on back there, but this is neither the right place nor the right time. Also, he's not even sure he wants to know.

The corridor leads to a dead-end—a huge door with possibly more Kull looming behind. Jack sends Carter back to the corner to watch for incoming threats while Teal'c jimmies the door open just wide enough for Jack to slip his rangefinder in and spy into the hangar behind.

_Fuck. _Don't the Goa'uld have something better to do than fight wars? Couldn't they just find a nice warm planet with wide beaches and snowy mountains, drink a beer or two and chill out? That's what Jack would do if he had all that unnecessary power. He wouldn't think of forming armies with zombie-like super soldiers.

"Thousand drones. Probably more," Jack says.

"What is Ba'al planning?" Carter asks.

"We'll find out next. And let's pick up Daniel on the way."

They discuss placing some C4 at the doors, but—surprise—Carter has a point when she notes that it won't take out any Kull and will only reduce their firepower. So they let the Kulls be Kull and head back on their earlier mission, which is Daniel.

* * *

An exciting buzz is vibrating through her body ever since she saw the first shots whiz in the dark forest. While the normal instinct is to retreat from peril, she's drawn to it. That is why she worked so hard on getting the gate to work. Yes, of course, because it was a great scientific success but mainly because of the adventures awaiting her on alien planest. It's impossible to believe that she's actually on one right now, on an alien spaceship even, and yet it feels oddly normal. She had been stuck behind a desk for the better amount of two years, little to no combat action or anything close to that, and yet her body instinctively knows what to do. She's never seen a Goa'Uld ship and yet turns the corners and finds the nooks as if her body doesn't need her brain at all. As Sam secures the next corridor and waves the Colonel and Teal'c to move forward, she catches a glimpse of amazement on the Colonel's face. Proudness perhaps. It makes her chest swell a bit. Sam knows that once they found Daniel, her brainpower will come to a test because there's no way they are going to leave this mothership without destroying Ba'al's very own army of Kull. She has no memories of how the Kull hunted her down, Colonel O'Neill has not submitted his report yet, so there is no fear or hesitation about being on the same ship with them. They have been her Achilles heel, but she can't remember. The Colonel, on the other hand, is what worries her. She has read his reports about being captured by Ba'al's and the sugar-coated still gruesome description of the tortures he's been put through. She understands that she's been the one that had convinced Colonel O'Neill to take the Tok'Ra symbiote that got him into trouble in the first place—even though she doesn't understand why he had said yes. Like so many things in their reports, this doesn't quite make sense. The underlying dynamics of _Major Carter_ and Colonel O'Neill are foreign to her. But when she finds herself pressed against him, her world smelling of O'Neill she has a deja vu. Well, it comes second, because the first sensation is a disturbing flutter in her stomach that has nothing to do with the approaching jaffa and everything with the proximity to her CO. It's a new sensation but then somehow familiar. Like his arms are a place she has been. And that's just weird. Because why on earth would she be in the arms of her CO? Other than for obvious reasons like hiding from jaffa on a Goa'Uld ship.

Luckily the impending threat doesn't give her much time to worry about her thoughts and feelings and only seconds later, Sam and Colonel O'Neill follow Teal'c down another gold-covered corridor—these guys really have bad taste. If they are lucky, Daniel hasn't been brought to Ba'al. But then SG-1 is notorious around this galaxy, so chances are low. They move efficiently, without crossing any jaffa and finally find the level of the cells. The heavy steps of jaffa clonk through the ship and they need to be more even more alert. One wrong move and it might take them right into the arms of their enemies. But then they spot Daniel. It's luck really. A small convoy is escorting him through the halls, either to Ba'al or back to his cell. He seems unhurt, so Sam assumes the first. Three jaffas go down in zat shots, the other fires back but Teal'c quickly overwhelms him. When they greet Daniel, who doesn't even seem surprised to bump into his team on the ship, Sam wonders if it was too easy. She has no time to linger on this thought because the Colonel is already flicking his fingers in the opposite direction and now back in full strength, SG1 heads towards the engine room.


	4. Chapter IV

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter IV**

* * *

So that's what Teal'c meant by starting as a routine mission and ending near disaster. Actually, it feels like they are past near and headed straight for an unavoidable catastrophe. Staff weapon shots buzz around their heads like a swarm of angry bees. The air is on fire when a strike comes close, and Sam is sure she can smell burnt hair. Of course, finding Daniel had been too easy. There's always some cosmic balance at work. Getting Daniel = easy, getting off the ship = impossible. The jaffa spotted SG-1 on their way to the engine room, and now SG-1 is cornered by them. There's no chance they are going to shoot their way out of this. The Colonel and Teal'c are holding the jaffa at bay while Daniel and Sam try to find that little loophole that so often opens up for SG-1—at least that's how it sounds in their reports.

"Carter!" Colonel O'Neill yells and Sam is a bit surprised by the unshattered belief he has in her. Does he really think she will get them out of this forlorn situation?

"We're sitting ducks, Sir."

He curses and Sam takes a breath, shakes her limps before she tightens the grip around her P90 to join Teal'c and the Colonel in the effort of taking down as many jaffa as possible before their inevitable surrender. She's about to step around the corner when the whizzing of the shots breaks off. The following silence is more deadly than the sound of gunfire, and when she dares to step forward, she finds Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c aiming their weapons at Ba'al. The infamous Goa'Uld is surprisingly good looking. Not really how she imagined one—a Goa'Uld. For future memory losses and new team member onboardings, they should include some pictures of their enemies. Ba'al wears a smug grin, and like a host who's welcoming much-appreciated guests, he says, "Welcome aboard SG-1."

From the corner of her eye, Sam notices the Colonel's finger curl around the trigger of his gun. For a split second, his face shows his true feelings. There's unshadowed hate. And then, one single shot zips out of the muzzle and makes a beeline towards Ba'al's head. For an insane moment, it looks like the bullet is going to hit, but then an energy field illuminates, and the bullet ricochets into the opposite direction heading right towards Sam. It's coming at her in slow motion, but she can't get her body to move because something about that golden glimmer of the force field seems so familiar, like a memory bubbling up. She's trying to grab it, pull it out of the dark water it's submerged in before it slips through her fingers and sinks back to the unreachable depths. Before she can get a hold of it, the dull impact of the bullet blows air out of her lungs and sends her stumbling backward.

"Carter!" O'Neill is by her side before she's even hit the floor. His fingers move over her body, looking for the damage his traitorous bullet has caused.

"I'm okay," Sam huffs, gasping for air. But he doesn't stop until he finds the bullet stuck in her tac vest. She can feel the bruise blooming on her chest and with it embarrassment.

"Can you get up?"

Sam nods and allows the Colonel to pull her up to her feet. He should be angry. As a Major, you can't afford to daydream. But he looks worried, watches her intensely as she lifts the vest slightly to take a deep breath.

"That's all very touching, but I'm a bit short on time today," Ba'al says with an annoyed glint and nods to the jaffa who take the chance to disarm SG-1. Under the protest of the Colonel, they are pushed along the corridor they just came from. Dead jaffa line the path like fallen sculptures. Sam is trying to memorize the way the jaffa are guiding them, but her head is still filled with the images of the bullet bouncing off the force field. The golden light that she has seen in her dreams before. The Colonel's face just inches away from it. With an expression on his face that she doesn't dare to define.

Minutes later, Daniel, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill are shoved into a cell. As Sam intends to follow a hand grips tightly around her arm, holding her back. The doors click close before the guys notice Sam isn't with them, and for a brief second, the Colonel's expression out of her dream flutters over his face before he schools his features to the military default.

"Major Carter and I will chat for a bit," Ba'al says, boring his eyes into the Colonel who seems to struggle under that look. Snippets from his report flicker through Sam's head, and her heart plummets at the thought of what chatting with Ba'al can mean.

"I would reconsider. She talks a lot. Like A LOT. Technobabbles your ear off once she gets going," the Colonel blurs out. Sam wonders if that's the right tactic because that's obviously what Ba'al wants. She decides that the Colonel's sense of humor or diplomacy is truly odd.

"Just what I want," Ba'al confirms Sam's thoughts, then gestures invitingly and says, "Shall we Major?"

For the first time, it's comforting that she doesn't identify with _Major Carter_. With a last glance to her team, she turns to follow Ba'al and _Major Carter_ to whatever torture he has planned for her.

"So," Ba'al chirps and claps his hands once they have arrived in another room. The jaffa push Sam to her knees. She's trying to keep her breathing under control, not to let her thoughts wander to the various Goa'Uld methods of torture she's read in multiple reports. Apparently, she's been in similar situations more than once. From what she's learned, she has never given anything away. But that was _Major Carter. Sam_ is not sure she will be able to match up to her.

"Major Carter." Ba'al eyes her carefully, sensing something isn't quite right. "We can make this short and painless. Tell me how to build the weapon that defeats the Kull warriors."

Sam almost snorts laughter of relief. What an irony that the one thing he wants to know is what she can't give him. She's studied every invention ever made using alien technology. Every single one, just not the disrupter. It's one of the most advanced pieces humans and Tok'Ra ever created, so she needed to understand Goa'Uld and Asgard tech first. Learning all of it in only a few months had been a challenge—even if she doesn't like to admit it.

"I don't know," she answers with the ease you can only tell the truth.

"Major," Ba'al teases and shakes his head. "You build it."

"I can't remember." Oh, it feels good not to be able to break. No matter what he's going to do to her.

"Well, I must say I'm not surprised. After having my fun with Colonel O'Neill, I wasn't expecting this to be less entertaining," Ba'al says and slips his hand into a hand device. "Since the Kull are one of the most advanced Goa'Uld inventions, I thought it would be fun to play with one of our oldest, yet highly effective tools." The crystal in the golden bracelet lights up and he says, "Are you sure you can't remember Major?"

Sam is not sure what's worse: being called _Major_ over and over again or the drilling pain in her head. After hours or minutes, she has lost track of time, the earlier relief about not knowing what he wants has turned into desperation. If she'd only know, it would feel rewarding to endure the pain. There would be a sense of purpose not to break. But not knowing means suffering for nothing. Even if she breaks, it won't stop because she can't tell him. If he would only stop calling her Major.

* * *

Carter drops with the heaviness of a dead body into the cell. Daniel is right by her side, nodding when he feels her pulse under his fingers.

"Alright, so we're done here. Mind letting us go?" Jack says to one of the jaffa before the doors close shut. Jack turns around, bracing himself for dagger or acid holes in Carter's clothes. To his surprise, she looks unharmed. Her face is pale, her hair is damp and pressed to her head, her eyes twitch under her eyelids.

"He used a kara kesh," Teal'c states.

"Old school," Jack mumbles. The tight knot in his chest is loosening, and he feels able to breathe again. The kara kesh causes pains he had never experienced, but at least she didn't have to go through the pains of acid eating into her skin.

Daniel stuffs his jacket under Sam's head, then leans back onto the wall. "Seems like he doesn't think we know what he wants to know."

"And what do you think that is?" Jack slides down the wall. Trying to escape with Carter knocked out will be impossible, so they'll have to wait until she's better.

"I believe it has something to do with the Kull. Have you noticed that we're not on Ba'al's ship?"

"Indeed," Teal'c adds.

"They all look tacky to me."

"I think this is Anubis ship. And that Ba'al has stolen it with the Kull from Anubis. I could imagine that Ba'al doesn't know how to program them loyal to him, so he needs to find a way to destroy them."

"The disrupter."

"Exactly. And only Sam knows how to build it. Or at least she knew..."

Jack sighs and lets his head fall back against the wall. He toys with the idea of giving Ba'al what he wants. If Daniel is right, Ba'al could do the dirty work for them and take out Anubis' Kull army. That would leave only Anubis, Replicators, and—of course—Ba'al to worry about. Only the idea of putting even the slightest sliver of their fate in Ba'al's hands makes his skin itchy. So no, which leads to the obvious task at hand: getting out of here. Ba'al is going to get bored with the hand device and will explore other ways to get Carter to talk. The Kull could work in their favor. If they can activate them, maybe they take Ba'al out…

"Sir!" Carter's pleading voice rips Jack out of his thoughts. She is turning and tossing, a film of sweat lets her skin shimmer in the dim lighting. Jack slides next to her. "I'm here, Carter."

"Sir!" she says again, and only now, Jack notices she's dreaming. A realization that is quickly followed by another one. The way she calls his name. He will never forget that particular version of _Sir_. Pressing, pleading, desperate, choked, and like four years ago, it's followed by "Just go." His body screams the _NO_ that had exploded so uncontrollably out of his heart. He grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her rather roughly.

"Major!" he barks. There's no place for this memory. No place for him to think about what it means that this seems to be the first thing she remembers. So he goes by her rank. Reminding her right the moment of awakening that it has to be a dream and can't be a real memory. Her head is bobbing in his rage, then her eyes flutter open and latch onto his, won't let go. But no. He's not going to let this be a thing. So he pulls her up to a seating position, and let's go.

"Welcome back, Major," he says harshly and almost stumbles in his attempt to get distance between them. He can feel Daniel's disapproving look, but Daniel is smart enough to keep it to himself.

Carter is still looking at him, and he can watch her process what just happened. They regarded each other, a state of perfect understanding—nothing to talk about.

"He wants to know how the disrupter works," Carter says, her voice still a bit shaky, but it smoothly slips over that crack her dream has caused in the facade of _Major Carter_.

While they make plans and scrap them again, Carter's face color transitions from see-through to somewhat close to alive. She's trying to outthink herself. Jack can watch her gears turn and click and turn again. She's trying to prove herself as if resisting Ba'al's torture wasn't enough already. The problem is, whatever genius plan Carter is coming up with won't work as long as they are stuck in this cell, and so far, that's where all plans fall flat. After a fruitless round of brainstorming and Jack joking about bringing post-its next time, the realization sinks in that they can't do anything. Jack is lying on the floor, his arm flung over his face, trying his best to shoo the thoughts of Carter's earlier dream out of his mind, while Daniel and Carter chat quietly.

"Did you remember anything earlier?" Daniel askes, and Jack silently curses because, no thank you, he doesn't need to know.

"Yeah."

Jack isn't surprised, but then why is his heart pounding? And why at this exorbitant pace? He lets his eyes fall to his chest, pretty sure everyone can see his heart thumping through the thin fabric of his shirt. Blood starts rushing through his ears, almost drowning out what Carter is saying.

"I remember that I hate being tortured," she says with a quick glance to Jack, and then hell breaks loose. It starts with a rumbling from some levels under them. The sound of thousands of Kull on the move at once. Jack imagines it like a military parade of stormtroopers—just more deadly. And there's no stopping it. Again they are sitting ducks, but just when Jack is ready to consider this the 'that's it mission,' the doors slide open, and a jaffa who identifies himself as rebel opens them the loophole they need. Somehow, stumbling and sweating, they make it to the rings, out of the ship, and now all that's separating them from their safe home planet are eight clicks and a gazillion light-years. Funny enough, the gazillion light years are not going to be the problem. His knee feels like it's the size of a basketball, and maybe, just maybe, he is really getting too old for running away from Goa'Uld. And then, another sprint later, they stumble out of the gate and are back home from yet another near-disaster mission. This time, the irony is strong, rescued by Anubis Kull.


	5. Chapter V

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter V**

* * *

Eight months living a life that isn't hers. Trying to fit a role that feels more foreign every day. People look at her like they know her. Call her _Major Carter _like there isn't just the slightest doubt about her being who they all have grown so familiar with. Dr. Lee comes to her when he is stuck with a problem, Daniel comes for a chat, Janet invites her to Sundays with Cassie, and she plays along. Enjoys it too. Sometimes even forgets that she had forgotten, but every time it comes back with a more forceful blow.

It's not that she doesn't like this life. It's great—even better than what she ever imagined, and yet, it doesn't feel like hers. Every morning she slips into the skin of _Major Carter_ and tries not to show that it's just not the perfect fit. A little too big in places, too tight in others. What makes _Major Carter_ different from Sam is the relationships with others. They are all based on knowing here for eight years. Of going through the worst moments together. Of dying and coming back. Of fighting and losing and losing friends. All the connections they have are based on the time she can't remember, so they don't feel as genuine to her as they feel to others.

Strangely the only relationship that feels real and truly like hers is to Teal'c. Of course, there's no denying the deep trust he has in her and her skills—all based on the things they experienced together. With Teal'c it feels like he truly sees her. He asks her if she wants to watch Star Wars instead of assuming that, of course, she would want to because that's what she liked. He doesn't make fun of her for not hating the MREs (yet). And he stopped calling her MajorCarter. Daniel and Janet call her Sam, the Colonel calls her Carter, only when things go completely south Major. Teal'c like everyone else on base has always called her Major or Major Carter. If it weren't for Teal'c starting to call her SamanthaCarter, she wouldn't have noticed. That every _Major_ was like a little cut—a light one, just scratching the top layer and slowly with every 'Good Morning _Major_,' every 'Thank You, _Major_,' 'Hold the elevator _Major_,' those cuts add up and leave her aching.

Another cut adds to the uncountable ones covering her soul when she sits down in her usual chair after briefing SG-1 on their next mission, and General Hammond says, "Very well Major. Colonel, SG-1 has a go. If the materials in the ground can be mined, we might have a promising alternative to steel."

She doesn't feel the Major-pain this time because this is her first very own project. No _Major Carter_ involved. She had crossed checked every alien material ever found on earth and discovered a small amount from one prehistoric asteroid impact that matched a sample SG-10 had brought back from a mission to PX2-HG7.

With a skip in her step, she strides down the hallways when she feels the Colonel's eyes on her. She turns around and spots a proud smile curling his lips. He tries to cover his smile with a badgering, "Thanks for that, Carter. You know how much I love collecting stones."

He grins again, then disappears into the men's locker rooms and something in her chest flutters.

* * *

The night is balmy. Alien animals roar and chirp and quack in the darkness around them. The light of the fire dances on their faces. Jack sniffs the brew the village elder has handed him. It doesn't smell bad but clearly fermented. When he looks up, Carter is taking a full swig from her cup. Mid-gulp, she spots him looking at her with raised eyebrows and slowly lowers her cup.

"Sir?"

"Oh nothing," Jack replies casually and pours his drink into the grass next to him. Her eyes widen, and she looks back into the cup.

"Colonel?" Carter demands, and her don't-bullshit-me-look makes Jack grin.

"I thought we only talk about old missions when it saves our ass," Jack answers, taking way too much pleasure in the way her eyes grow even bigger.

"Well, this is an exception," she says, sniffing again at her drink.

"I don't know, Carter. You were very clear about moving on and not trying to live in the past."

"Sir."

"I'm just doing what you told me. I'm very good at following orders," Jack says, and to push her even further takes a sip from his canteen. He can hear her huff before she turns to Daniel, who's in the middle of a conversation with one of the locals.

"Daniel? Did you drink this?" Carter inquires.

"Uh, no," Daniel answers.

In no possible way should Jack be smiling, amused to no end by Carter's irritation. After all, she would pay him back with some long technobabble. But watching her regret her very own set rules and Daniel not being on her side for once is just too good.

"Why didn't you tell me not to drink it?"

"Do you feel funny?" Daniel asks, excusing himself with a nod from the local then turns entirely to Sam. So he's enjoying it too.

"No… But the Colonel is giving me this look." Carter glares at him, and Jack decides he needs to give her many more reasons to do so. His lips must have accidentally slipped into a smile because her glare intensifies, and now she demands, "What happened?"

"Sure you want to know?" Daniel remarks, and Jack decides this is one of the best missions they've had in a very very long time.

"Daniel!"

Daniel slips Jack a grin, then turns back to Carter, pushing his glasses up his nose. "It was one of our first missions. P3X-596…"

"P3X-595," Jack corrects Daniel. He's always been someone to care for the details.

"Right," Daniel says sweepingly.

Carter rolls her eyes. Nevertheless, Daniel takes his time. "P3X-595. A beautiful planet. Very lush. The locals had a lot in common with the indigenous tribe mas…"

"Daniel," Carter growls, her eyes narrow to a slit.

"Well, some of the planets we encountered had rather patriarchal systems."

Jack is sure Carter just huffed as if to say 'not just planets out there.'

"So Jack, Teal'c and I had to eat with the men, while you ate with the women. We all had their local brew." Daniel continues. Carter nodding, telling him to get to the point. "When the groups merged, there was some uproar, and when we found the source of it, we found you… ahem… you know… taking off your clothes."

"What?"

"Yeah, you were in your bra… about to... Jack wrapped his jacket around you before… you know…"

Jack is not sure what's more entertaining. Carter's embarrassment or Daniel's discomfort.

"Ah, I miss those early days," Jack sighs, soaking in each little twist his declaration causes on Carter's face. He knows she wants to say something very, very insubordinate, and maybe the old Carter would have said it, but this new Carter, the Carter who lost her memory and reminds him of Captain Carter, shows more respect. Nevertheless, her eyes bore into him. Jack shrugs, and then her expression changes. It's the I-have-an-idea-look that usually gets him excited. Right now, given the circumstances that look has him rather scared. Carter flashes a lovely smile and turns to the elder. "Excuse me. Colonel O'Neill enjoyed your drink. Could he get another glass?"

Overzealously the elder claps his hands, and a moment later, someone pushes another cup into Jack's hand. Carter gets one too. And then the elder cheers with them and looks at them full of expectations. Carter lifts her cup and nods to Jack.

"At least we'll go down together," she says and downs the drink.

He keeps to himself how dangerous that could be.

* * *

The next day is as uneventful as the Colonel has feared, as exciting as Sam was hoping. Her theory was right. There is a deposit of the mineral on this planet. And while it's not naquadah, it's much lighter, easier to mine, and can improve human weapons and armor.

Daniel and the Colonel have been negotiating with the locals about an SGC outpost, while Teal'c keeps Sam company collecting stones, as O'Neill calls it. He is the strangest man. One moment complaining about scientists and technobabble and the next knowing astronomical terms he couldn't possibly just picked up from memos, he claims he never reads. Ever since the drink incident, which thankfully didn't have her strip naked, the Colonel seems more relaxed around her. It's odd that she notices. Because he always acted perfectly fine just like any Colonel or commanding officer would towards the subordinates. Just that there was something about it that rubbed her the wrong way, luckily, the new mineral keeps her busy and distracted, so she doesn't think about it again until much much later.

Sam and Teal'c are deep in the caves, taking yet another sample when Sam starts to feel funny. For a brief moment, she wonders if the drinks are finally taking full effect, then she realizes that the ground is so much more less grounded and so much more shaky. A grumble roars through the caves, and then hell breaks loose. Rocks fall from the ceiling like stars from the sky, and the ground shakes like Jell-O nudged by a spoon. A crack tores the earth apart, and Sam throws herself to one side before the hungry mouth bites for her and swallows.

"SamanthaCarter." Teal'c is suddenly next to her.

"We need to get out," Sam yells against the rumbling of the planet and pushes herself up. Teal'c grabs her arm, pulling her to her feet, as a sharp pain cuts through her, slicing her just like the quake has sliced the walls. Sam gasps for air. There's no time to check. They need to get out. A thought gets an exclamation point from an entire piece of ceiling coming down next to them.

"Run," Sam cries out and latches onto Teal'c's vest to follow him out of the cave that is trying to bury them alive or kill them on their way out. Everything is blurry. Fallen rocks and debris turn their path into a slalom. Every breath pulls sand into their airways and pricks their lungs. If it weren't for Teal'c moving forward like an unstoppable bull, she wouldn't make it. They slip out of a tiny crack into the fresh air of a planet that looks like nothing has happened. Birds chirp, trees whisper, a stream purls, only Colonel O'Neill is bellowing, "Carter, Teal'c!"

Sam blinks against the bright sun and the grains in her eyes. It must be the aftershocks that keep her swaying. When she looks at Daniel, he seems surprisingly steady on his feet.

"Carter?" Colonel O'Neill is by her side the second her knees bend sideways. "Wow, take it slow," he says with his grip tightened around her arms and slowly helps her down. He hunkers down next to her.

"Let me see."

Sam looks at him like she has no idea what he's talking about. Concern flickers over O'Neill's face; then, he lightly touches her hand that's pressing into her thigh. As if his touch is lifting the heavy curtain of shock, the slicing pain shoots through her leg, and only now, Sam feels something wet seep through her fingers. While Colonel O'Neill peels her fingers from her wound, he comes in and out of focus and then disappears altogether.

When she opens her eyes again, she's propped against a tree, a cutting pain jerking her up.

"Relax, Carter." The Colonel tries to calm her.

He's cut her trousers open and presses a disinfecting gauze onto a nasty slash on her thigh.

"Teal'c, Daniel?" she grunts.

"Getting the meds team out here," he says and without meeting her eyes. With steady hands, he peels the gauze from her wound and looks at it closely.

"You were lucky," he says. "It looked like the cave had collapsed." He sounds calm, yet something in his jumpy eyes tells her that other emotions are bubbling below the surface of professionalism. Methodically he works on her wound. Cleans it, frees it from gravel, wraps a bandage around her leg. Only when he's packing things back into his pack, his hands are shaking.

"Sorry, Carter, I'm not known for my cosmetic surgery skills. This might become a reminder of our little adventure here," he says and sits down next to her, leaning his head against the tree.

"At least I will remember how I got it," Sam broods and looks at the scar on her hand. The morphine must be doing it's magic because suddenly she says things she didn't intend to. "When I look at my body, it tells a story. It's right there, all that happened and I can't remember any of it." She's tracing the scar on her right palm. It has bothered her from the first moment she realized something was wrong with her memory. The first shower had been a shock. Jagged scars, fine lines, burn marks, dull patches of skin. Her body covered with them like a page with words just that she can't read them.

Colonel O'Neill is quiet, just like she expected him to be until he reaches for her hand and lets his finger traces along the outline of the scar sending little sparks down her arm.

"This happened when an alien life form built a nest in our computers. When it transferred through the gate into our system, the computer blew up while you were trying to shut the gate," Colonel O'Neill retells.

"You shot me."

She remembers reading the report. How she tried to relate to the helplessness, she must have felt being trapped inside her own body with another force controlling her movements and being.

"Yeah." His voice is all soft and contemplative, and then all of a sudden, he pulls his hand away. It's when she sees it. The nagging guilt that still resides in his heart for what he had to do.

Sam looks back at her hand, then pushes her sleeve up to where another scar marks her skin.

"And this one?"

"We rode an asteroid through Earth. You had to fix the control system of the Tel'Tak and got whisked."

"Very heroic injuries," Sam quips.

Jack huffs and taps to her shoulder. "You got shot there. With a staff weapon. The Nox healed you. So no scar for that one." His finger strokes over the little scar on Sam's forehead. "You challenged a macho tribesman for a near-combat-battle, and all he got at you was a little scratch." He lets his hand wander to her elbow, causing a wave of goosebumps to follow his movement. "You broke your elbow blowing up Anubis' Kull-making-machine."

It's not that the memories come back, but feeling his hands on her body connects the reports with what her body shows. "What about this one," Sam says and reaches for her shirt.

"Carter," the Colonel growls as a warning. Too late. She's already pulled her shirt up and strokes over the scar on her stomach.

She knows she's crossing a line. This is not some ordinary teammate conversation, however, she doesn't care.

"Please. I feel like a stranger in my body."

"Ask Fraiser."

"She wasn't there when I got injured, was she?"

"No," O'Neill sighs.

Now she understands that he might be reluctant because they are talking about her body—not a topic you usually discuss with your CO. But there is something else. She sees it in his eyes when he dares to look at her. It's anger. Anger about letting it happen. About letting her get injured. Something in her chest opens up and creates a space just for him.

"It wasn't your fault," Sam says, the roles reversed now. "You saved me from the drone."

He nods three times like the muscles in his neck are made from gummy. "It was tight."

Her earlier thought comes back with blinding brightness. This is not just an ordinary Colonel-Major-relationship—their connection is based on something entirely else. Before she can get lost in this thought, try to dig deeper for a memory that confirms her feelings, Colonel O'Neill leans back, nods to the scar on her stomach and says, "You got stabbed."

The sudden switch of topic takes her by surprise.

"Stabbed?"

"Yeah, after you tried to seduce me," he says, all casual and irreverent aplomb.

Sam is trying to form a coherent thought, but the blood rushing from her head to a different part of her body makes it impossible. A boyish smirk appears on the Colonel's face, looking pretty smug. Before she can piece report and story together, his radio burps to live with Daniel's voice, "Jack, we're back. Will be there in 30 minutes."


	6. Chapter VI

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter VI**

* * *

"Alright, Campers, let's get going." Colonel Jack O'Neill strides into the gateroom. Baseball cap, sunglasses, a smirk on his lips.

"Can't wait to escape Bergman?" Sam quips, covering her teasing glance with her shades.

"Can't wait for another day of collecting rocks," he says and grins back at her. It's that smile she just really likes on him.

Three days ago, a reporter and a video team invaded the SGC. The fact that the president himself sent them didn't make them feel less like any other intruder that ever so often stumbles through the Stargate. Just this time, the SGC personal are the ones being interrogated. Sam has been through her interview with Emmet Bergman and fair to say, meeting Ba'al had almost been a pleasure compared to the piercing questions of Bergman. Sure, he didn't use physical violence, but it seemed he knew _Major Carter _better than Sam herself. He had read everything on her file and instinctively probed where her false memory was especially thin. Officially this documentary was to chronicle the 1000th trip through the Stargate, but Sam has her doubts about the real reason. In the past seven years, _Major Carter_ had been on 348 missions. Sam only on 34—still an impressive number. It's been one year since she woke up to this new life, or to put it like everyone else on base sees it: since she lost her memory. In her 34 trips, she only got tortured once, captured three times, injured that one time during the earthquake, and once infected by the alien flu. Pretty successful actually. Her team treats her like nothing has ever happened, and yet she feels like a fraud.

The gate jumps into action, and the first chiffon logs in when she hears Siler's voice through the speakers, "Stand back SG-1. It's an incoming wormhole."

O'Neill turns around, raising his eyebrows as if Sam could possibly know who's coming their way.

"Perhaps SG13," she says. By now, she knows that he expects her to have an answer for everything. Surprisingly most of the time she has. But whenever he asks the impossible, she doesn't think that he's demanding too much but wonders if _Major Carter_ would know. They head to the control room, watch as the gate rotates and the defense team take position.

"SG13?" O'Neill asks.

"Not according to the schedule," Hammond answers, but the moment the gate burbs to life, Colonel Dixon's voice bellows out of the speakers. P-90 shots hail and staff weapons zing and break off his words. "Under fire... Jaffa... Outnumbered... Severely injured," comes through the radio, punctuated by gunshots and screams.

"SG1 is all geared up and ready to go," Colonel O'Neill says.

Hammond nods, "Take SG2, 5 and 7, and the medical unit."

Sam takes a deep breath. They are going in.

* * *

"Sir, we've gotta fall back!" Sam yells as she takes out yet another jaffa only to spot three more coming out of the woods. This is insane. They are highly outnumbered, an Al'kesh making a beeline towards the gate, gliders buzzing around their heads. Sam reloads her magazine without losing sight of the approaching jaffa when a staff weapon volley hits the ground right next to her. Dirt explodes up into her face, and for a hot second, she's blinded by sand and dust. When her vision clears, the first thing she sees is O'Neill ducking out of his cover—a move that's just absolutely crazy. She follows his glance and spots a jaffa aiming for her—then everything starts to happen in slow motion. A fireball slips out of the staff weapon zooming towards her in confident determination. But even though its destiny seems inevitable, there's always an unpredictable element which, in this case, is Colonel O'Neill. Before the shot hits her, he flies into her vision. Sam yells a desperate "Sir," but too late. The energy shot hits his chest and takes him down. Smoke is coming out of the impact on his chest. The vest is melted, and Sam can't see his skin, but as she presses her hands onto the wound, blood seeps through her fingers.

"Sir…" It's a mere whisper. Filled with terror.

He heaves his eyelids open, and when the amber of his eyes finds her blue, images start flashing through her mind. Images of the Colonel accepting to take the Tok'Ra. Of the Colonel half-suffocated in a glider drifting in space. Of the Colonel being pierced to a wall in the control room by an alien device. Him being escorted down the corridors of the SGC, when he turns around, he blinks at her, and something in her heart breaks right now from the memory she didn't know she had. Those images are not conjured by a report she read. They are not an envision of how it could have been. They come with sounds and smells and feelings deep inside. People say you see life rushing past you when you are about to die. Sam Carter sees memories of Jack O'Neill rushing through her mind as he closes his eyes. Her breath is shaky, a hybrid between catching air and bursting into tears.

"Fraiser is gonna be here any second. Just hang on."

"Carter," he says, lifting his hand then letting it drop again.

There's a nauseating amount of emotions foaming inside of her. For a moment, she's doesn't know what to do. Not because she can't remember the procedure. Not because she hasn't done it. But because the idea of Jack O'Neill dying is the scariest thing she can imagine. A thought that strikes her with a complicated charge.

* * *

"Have a seat, Major. Let me explain why I'm here." Agent Woosley stands in the investigation room that's usually used to investigate Goa'Uld or other intruders. Sam briefly wonders if this is where Colonel O'Neill questioned her when Jolinar took her as a host, but then her attention is back on Woosley.

"I know why you're here," Sam snaps back. In and out. That's the goal of this.

Woolsey moves to the table and activates the video camera with a remote control.

"I believe classified military operations require oversight," he says very reasonably, but given what happened in the crossfire of staff weapons and P90s on P3X-666, reason doesn't quite land for Sam.

"I know the stakes around here are always high. But there were serious casualties in this instance. Someone of great value to this program is dead."

"I know that! And don't you dare think anyone is taking it lightly." Sam's heart aches in ways she didn't expect. Sure, Janet had become a friend. But what she's feeling is beyond a few months of friendship. On top of that, Sam is trying to ignore the complicated feelings for the man lying in the infirmary.

"You're a seasoned combat officer." Woosley pauses and flips through his papers, and then the conversation takes a sharp left turn, heading straight towards an abyss. "At least judging by the years you've been deployed with SG-1 and prior. But, there's this one issue that makes me wonder, how seasoned you actually are, Major."

_Major _comes at her like a slap, ripping open all the other little scars every _Major Carter_ has left.

"Just recently you lost your memory, is that correct Major Carter?" Woosley says matter of factly.

"Yes," she presses out.

"Since then, did your memory recover?" He follows up and finally looks up from his papers.

"No. As you are well aware," Sam says sharply.

Woosley weighs his head and flips through another page.

"I'm cleared by all instances," Sam utters, unsuccessfully trying to keep her voice composed and professional.

"That's what it says in your file. And yet I wonder if this is one of the favoritisms SG1 has been accused with."

"Physical and psychological tests hardly have anything to with favoritism. You get the results you need, or you don't." She had done an excellent job convincing everyone that she was as ready for the job as _Major Carter_. Everyone except herself. At times like this, her secret clangs inside her so loudly that she wants to cover her ears and scream.

"And you certainly did Major. Yet I'm struggling to believe that it is so easy to just slip back into your old life when you can't remember it. Major Carter, don't get me wrong. You've performed the impossible on many occasions. We all owe our lives to you. But quite frankly, this was before your accident. And even though you excelled in all your tests, your personality and knowledge are based on Captain Carter with little to no experience with gate travel and alien warfare. Of course, you could say, that's the case for any new team member, but the responsibility put into your hand is far from what a rookie would be entrusted with."

"This has nothing to do with what happened on P3X-666, does it?"

"If General Hammond is allowing inexperienced officers to go into combat like on P3X-666 and people die, it has very much to do with if you are fit for the role or not."

She doesn't need to hear Woosley's answer to feel relieved. It is as something heavy is lifted from her chest, and she can breathe again. Finally, somebody realized what a fraud she is.

* * *

The knock should have been a hint about what was coming next. It is quick, dull, and like a detonation followed by a deadly silence. It's 8:45 in the evening, and Sam's not expecting anyone. If she were the _Major Ca__rter_ she pretends to be the visitor wouldn't come as a surprise. But since she's not, she opens the door in absolute oblivion. In front of _Major Carter's_ house stands Colonel Jack O'Neill, staring at her in full rage.

"Carter," he bellows. "What did you do?"

His eyes, dark from fury, bore into her. She's never been afraid of him until this very moment when he pushes past her into the house, the smell of stress on his tailwinds.

"You spoke with General Hammond," Sam states. The anger radiating off him chokes her to only basic words.

"Are you insane?" He barks, his hand flexing next to his body.

"It is a well-wrought decision," Sam answers. The hallway suddenly feels very cramped, and she moves into the kitchen to get the island between him and her.

"Oh, is that? I always thought that you would never do anything without considering all the consequences, but this… Carter, you can't do this." This man tonight is dangerous. His despair complete. And because she doesn't answer, only pushes the neat stack of paper even neater, he says, "Why didn't you talk to me? I'm your CO." His mouth looks like it already formed another word, but CO is what comes out.

"This has nothing to do with you," Sam snaps back. Ever since she woke up not remembering being _Major Carter_, it's always been about the others. How they expected her to be, to react, to live. They knew her so well, and she didn't know herself at all, that she had lost even the last little bit of herself.

"Carter, we are a team. We've been fighting side by side for the past seven years." His hands hang in the air like a plea.

"I thought you would be relieved," she says very quietly, and it takes him out his rage, leaving him baffled.

"What?"

"I'm not fit for being on SG1," she says and finally dares to look at him.

"That's bullshit, Carter, and you know it. You are the best second in command I ever had."

"Perhaps the old me was." The old me. That's how she had referred to _Major Carter _when she talked to Hammond. When she handed in her resignation with the ask for a transfer to Area 51 mere hours ago.

"Carter, stop belittling yourself. That's not your style," he says, slamming his hand on the table, which causes a little quake, and her stack of mail falls apart.

"I'm stating facts here. It's also not my style to ignore the obvious."

"Oh, and that is what?"

"You treat me differently than you treat others," she says, unable to keep the defensive edge out of her voice.

He seems thrown by this. She can almost see his heart skip a beat. His words are carefully chosen, and yet meaningless. "I don't."

"You watch me. Every step. Like you don't trust what I'm doing. You constantly check in on me. You bring me Jell-O when I'm in the infirmary. You almost died because I didn't see a jaffa coming for me." She frowns and looks at her shaking fingers. The idea of losing him is terrifying, and the fact that she feels that way even more so.

"This has nothing to do with your skills," he says softly as if he has already forgiven her.

"No? What then? It pretty much looks to me like you don't trust me." If he feels anything as confusing for her as she feels for him, she's dancing on a very thin line.

"Carter, it's not... I trust you with my life. Always have, always will. No matter if you're lacking a few memories or not."

There it is again. That look on his face—the one from her dreams. The one when a forcefield separates them. Only now she remembers. She feels the pain she felt in her chest, understands the fear in his eyes. This particular feeling bubbles up again. The feeling of deep affection. Of being willing to die for him. Of the certainty that he would too.

"It's easy. I look the same, speak the same, maybe even react the same way," she finally says. She needs to find herself. Maybe her memories come back, but if not, she needs to have a life she can live, not one dictated by the past. "And I know what you expect from me and that I can't give it to you. I've tried. I really tried to continue with this life here. It just doesn't feel like my life. I need a new start."

Something happens in his face. It becomes hard and bitter. And just that way, his words come out, "Maybe you're right. The Carter I know would never give up going through the gate, fighting for freedom from the Goa'Uld and replicators. Never."

While Sam is oblivious, Jack is painfully aware of how true his statement is. How they left everything between them in the room so that they could continue.

"I'm not giving up the fight. I'm simply going to play a different role in it," Sam says with the silly hope of making him understand.

"My Carter sacrificed everything for it."

His eyes become narrow; his voice is cold and sends a creepy chill to her bones. That's it. There's nothing left to say. She will leave the SGC next week. He's ordered to take a break and recover, so she won't probably ever see him again. Sam tries her best to ignore the crunching feeling this fact causes. She forces her voice to form one last sentence before it's going to break apart, "Then I'm not the Carter you know."

He nods sharply and says, "Seems like it."

**Reviews keep me writing.**


	7. Chapter VII

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter VII**

* * *

"It's Sam," Daniel says to Jack with a suggestive look.

Jack raises his eyebrows, nods, and does a silent ahh. As if he would care. Daniel rolls his eyes and then, with a teasing gin, says into the phone, "Jack says Hi."

Daniel's habit of sticking his nose into other people's business will not only get him into trouble off-world, Jack swears to himself and tries to look dangerous as hell. Still, he can't help but hold his breath, waiting for a reaction from the other end of the line. From what he can tell, Carter is quite over there in Nevada. Daniel rolls his eyes again, this time, Jack is sure, at Carter. Annoyed by his friends for their childish behavior. It had been three months since Carter left Colorado and the SGC, and not once have they talked. On several occasions, Daniel had tried to talk to both of them. Jack, stubborn as usual, pretended nothing was wrong. His second in command was not his second in command anymore. Co-workers move on. You don't always stay in touch—so what? Up until now, Daniel had been smart enough not to push further to the dangerous territory about Jack and Sam being more than co-workers, more than friends actually. The next huff from Daniel indicates that fence time is over. All Jack can do to fend off a Daniel lecture is to be scary as hell. Or to distract him. Some dusty temples would be great. Hopefully, that new job Hammond is briefing them on in five minutes will do.

A smile spreads on Daniel's face, and Jack can hear Carter say something.

"Sam says Hi back," Daniel says with a very, very satisfied grin.

Jack pretends he didn't hear it and turns around to leave, letting Daniel finish his call before he hands him the phone and the to it attached Carter. There's no way he's going to admit that he misses her voice. He would even sit through hourlong technobabble about the physics of the naquadah-reactor just to hear her talk again. He wouldn't even mind detail, lots of detail. It would just give him more time to watch her excited little blush, her big bright eyes, the way she shrugs her shoulder ever so often. But someone else is coming in the pleasures of Techno-Carter now.

"You miss her."

Carp. Did he really just get lost in the thoughts of Carter right here in Daniel's lab.

"Daniel," Jack growls, doubling up on his intimidation technique.

"We all miss her. But at least I talk to her. And she writes emails with Teal'c. But you guys haven't talked in three months."

"Daniel," Jack repeats. More feral and desperate, but his friend has his usual methods of dealing with threatening Jack—ignorance.

"You know how they say you should never leave in a fight, especially in our job. You never know what happens when we step through the gate. Imagine something happens to you out there, and you two never made up… you never told her how you fee…"

"Stop it," Jack barks and jumps forward, looming over Daniel with all his military scariness. Daniel sighs and ducks his head.

"I know how you feel," he says.

Great, so intimidation doesn't work anymore. Jack sighs and slumps back.

"It's okay, Daniel," he says and heads to the door. They have a briefing after all. He's halfway out and halfway sure he's escaped this conversation with just a few bruises when Daniel fires again. "Sha'Re didn't remember me either. And that was more painful than when she died."

It's a blow well below the belt and has Jack stop in his tracks. He so wants to be an ass now. But he can't. Not when Daniel is talking about his wife. It's not that Carter is a Goa'Uld now. So it's not the same. But still, Daniel is right. It's not just that Carter has left them. That she turned her back to the war, they are fighting. But that she does so even though she said it was the most important thing. More important than her feelings for him and his feelings for her. She had forgotten him. Forgotten them.

Daniel is suddenly next to Jack and pats him onto the shoulder.

"She asks about you—every time. Maybe give her a call. Just an idea."

He steps past him out of his office, and when Jack doesn't follow, Daniel says, "We have a briefing."

Duh, Daniel.

* * *

Jack is almost inclined to ask Hammond if Daniel has anything to do with this. But then again, it's Carter. No surprise that in only three months, she managed to build a new F-fighter that's now ready to be tested. And because Jack and Teal'c have the most experience with flying extraterrestrial vehicles, they are going to Area 51 to try out Carter's new ride. Just that Teal'c has a Jaffa-Rebellion emergency, so it's Jack and Jack alone heading to Nevada. He still thinks about ways to pay back Daniel. He didn't even try to hold back his satisfaction when Hammond announced Jack's new task.

As Jack steps onto the tarmac in Groom Lake, his eyes immediately scan the area for Carter. He is half relieved, mostly disappointed that he can't find her blonde head among all those other goons. An airman has the audacity to try to carry Jack's bag. Thanks, no. He's fit enough to kick Gou'Uld ass; he'll manage an overnight bag with a pair of boxers and a toothbrush. He's not willing to remember the black jeans and nicer shirt he packed, because that would mean admitting that he toyed with the possibility of seeing Carter outside her natural surroundings—perhaps even for dinner. No, that was not the intention at all when he picked black jeans over his old cargos. Nor when he decided to take the transport the next day and not to head right back on a red-eye.

"Colonel O'Neill, Sir." Jack turns around and finds a Major in a flight suit catching up with him. The young man snaps into a salute and says, "Major Mitchell. It's an honor, Sir."

"Oh, then you don't know me." Jack squints his eyes and nods the man to relax.

"I've read everything about SG1 I could get my hands on. With my security level, most is classified, but what you are doing out there is amazing," Mitchell starts to blubber. Jack can sniff out an opportunist from miles away. And Mitchell here seems like the picture book example of one. As they walk towards the main building, Mitchell rattles down all his favorite SG1 adventures. Somewhere at the end of this, Jack is sure, he's going to ask for Carter's job. But if he's going home with a fourth team member, it's Carter, and Carter only.

As if on cue, the assembled group in front of the hangar splits, and Carter steps forward. Sun on her face, wind in her hair—just like he remembers her when they strode side by side over alien planets. Her head turns into his direction, and a giant smile spreads on her face. It's one of her smiles that makes his heart all flattery. She keeps her eyes focussed on him as she makes her way towards them. Past technicians who are preparing the new fighter. Past the ground crew. Past the control center that is set up to monitor the test flight. They are only steps apart when she lifts her arms and steps forward. A move that punches his guts out and makes him nervous all over again. It's a little odd to hug your former CO, but what the heck, he'll take it. A stupid grin slips on his lips, and a second later, he swears to himself to once-for-all he going to get his feelings for Carter under control because it's that annoying Major who she wraps in a hug.

"Cam, so good to see you. I didn't know you were coming," she says, all eyes for _Cam_.

"I heard you needed a test pilot. So here I am," Mitchell says with a big grin. Carter nods and smiles.

Mitchell starts to get a bit nervous over the lack of acknowledgment between Jack and Carter. At least he has the decency to notice that something is off when Carter can't get herself to look at her former CO of seven years. He nods towards Jack and says, "Especially after I heard, I could fly against Colonel O'Neil."

Oh, dear god.

Jack holds his breath to not accidentally sigh or swear out loud.

At least now Carter can't ignore him anymore. She turns towards him, straightens her body, and says, "Welcome to Nevada, Sir."

It's right then when Jack thinks about leaving the AirForce. This bullshit professionalism and respect is just an enormous farce.

"Well, someone has to check if you're living up to your potential here." He doesn't know where he takes the capability for a joke from, but it slips out and softens Carter's features a little bit. She tilts her head to the side, and Jack realizes that she's just as nervous as him.

* * *

So Mitchell is a pretty good pilot. Very good, actually. Jack had quite his struggle to beat him in the test flight that was never meant to be a race but put two guys that absolutely can't lose into jets, add the passive-aggression that's been building in Jack for the past year or so and on top of that throw in a woman that clearly both guys have their interest in, and you can be sure it's tested to top speed. Carter built a heck of a machine.

Jack climbs out of the cockpit and tries his hardest to stop that silly grin on his face. He can't remember the last time he felt that alive. As if every second in the air peeled away another dusty, grumpy layer that has been building upon him ever since Carter left.

Carter is waiting next to the F-306, her eyes excitedly jumping from Cam to Jack.

"So?" she says in eager anticipation.

Jack casually opens the zipper of his flight suit and says, "It didn't send us to space with no return button, so there is that."

He can practically see Carter flip through her mental filing cabinet, searching for the report he is referencing. It hurts a bit to realize that she still doesn't remember. When she eventually does, she smiles, but before she can say something, wind-up-guy Mitchell jumps into action. "This is the best plane I've ever flown. So much tighter than the F-302. And the hyperdrive… Uh, Sam…"

Carter smiles brightly at Mitchell, and together they walk back to the hanger. Mitchell praising Carter's plane.

Nice one, O'Neill.

He falls into step behind them. Slipping his shades over his eyes in a weak attempt to boost his ego by channeling his inner Maverick. Only to remember a few steps in that Maverick's name is Mitchell.

Great, just great.

Carter and Mitchell come to a stop at the hanger and turn around towards Jack who has to react quickly now, because who wants to be caught sulking?

"So, dinner?" Cam asks. And Jack is a bit surprised that the invitation is almost more direct at him than Carter. Perhaps it's when Mitchell plans on asking for that spot in SG-1.

Carter's glance jumps to Jack, telling him something. But somewhere between Carter losing her memory and their fight, he lost his talent of reading her glances. Before either of them can say anything, General Bricks, commander of Groom Lake, appears, greets Jack, praises Carter, and then whisks Cam away for another test on the F-302.

As much as he wished Mitchell would disappear before, his absence creates a vacuum that brings back Jack's earlier nervousness full force. He pushes his hands into his pockets and says, "Good plane, Carter."

Starting with an easy apology seems like a good plan. Carter ducks her head and nods. When she looks back up, a quick smile hushes over her lips.

"Wanna see my lab?"

"Uh, sure," Jack says. If his punishment for being an idiot is technobabble, then he will take hours of it.

They walk along the corridors of Area 51. Compared to walking through the mountain, it's mainly whitecoats that haunt the hallways. Carter nods and greets most of them. Some seem to recognize Jack, others, he assumes the civilians, completely ignore him. Eventually, she leads him into her lab, which honestly looks pretty much like her old lab. But he's going to complain. They had good times there.

"Nice... lab," he says and takes his usual Carter-lab-spot on the opposite side of her table.

"I'm getting lots of work done here," Carter says and points at some doohickey as if he would know what that is. "But no technobabble, I promise." She smiles weakly at him. The first smile for him. One that sparks hope.

"Oh, well. I haven't heard technobabble in a while," Jack says and pushes his hands into his pockets.

"How is your wound?" Carter asks, instead.

"You know, what doesn't kill you," he shrugs, but Carter seems nervous out of the sudden. She drops her eyes and nods a couple of times as if trying to get her thoughts into the right order.

"When you were lying there… I… I'm really glad you are okay," she says, her voice almost getting choked by her emotions.

This is just another moment that shows how far they have drifted apart. Before, he would have probably wrapped her in his arms. He shouldn't have, but he would have. Now he doesn't know what he can do. So he defaults to jokes, "Well, you got rid of me anyway."

Her eyes fly up, looking at him with disbelief.

O'Neill you ass.

He sighs. "Carter, I'm sorry for how I reacted at your house. I never meant to…"

Hurt you. Just say it.

"I can be an ass sometimes," he settles for.

"Like when you went rogue to convict the NID of stealing Tollan technology?"

Jack lifts his brow. If this is the only thing she remembers besides their moment with the wristbands, he really wonders what impression she has of him.

"I remember a few things."

"Only my most glorious moments it seems," he says, and when she giggles, it feels like in the old days. Like he just stepped out of a nebula, and for the first time in a long time, it's his Carter he sees.

"No, giggling, I know," she says and grins.

There's no way around dinner anymore. He's gotta figure out what else she can remember.

**Reviews keep me writing**


	8. Chapter VIII

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter VIII**

* * *

As Sam presses level 23 and the elevator starts to decent, her stomach drops at least a few stories too. It's her first time back in the SGC seven months after a rather sudden exit. Walking down the halls, she's shocked that it does, contrary to what she expected, feel like home. The faces that smile at her, surprised yet welcoming, are familiar even though she can't remember the names of most of them. She smiles back and nods, and really searches for that pinching feeling a _Major Carter _caused a few months ago but only finds pride.

"Major Carter," Walter says as the elevator doors slide open and she steps out. "It's great to have you back."  
"Good to see you, Walter," Sam says and falls into step behind him.

Down here at level 23, it's the usual atmosphere of looming doom. Marines have blocked the hallways, and heavy armory is ready to be used.

"The gate is open for 18 hours now. There's a minimal amount of energy coming through to our side." Walter is like the paramedic, briefing the surgeon on the condition of the patient. The patient is the gate. The one thing she knows inside out. That's why she's here. Even thousands of miles away, she's still the one expert.

"Do you know who dialed the gate?"

"We don't. It was minutes before SG4 was going for a routine mission. When Major Wade touched the iris, he was repelled. He flew through the gateroom and said it felt like touching a live wire. Our measures have indicated that the gate emits five amps."

Sam stops in her tracks. "I'll check it out."

She turns around and heads for the gateroom. Dimmed in blue light, the gate looks almost peaceful. She steps closer, waiting for her body to pick up the emanating energy but nothing. Slowly she lifts her hand and extends her index finger to touch the surface. Only when she almost reaches the iris, she can feel the tingling in the air. The crackle is not unfamiliar. She doesn't touch, but moves her finger closer again and then she remembers how it feels. It feels like a Goa'Uld force shield.

"Major Carter, we didn't bring you here to get you injured." General Hammond's voice breaks through the speakers. Sam turns around and finds him standing in the control room, looking down at her just like so many times when they stepped through the gate after a mission. This sight might be the closest thing to home she knows.

"It's a Goa'Uld force shield," Sam says and slightly touches the gate. A golden shimmer blooms out from the point of contact and encases the entire gate. It sparks a little bit under her fingertips but its pure science. The more force you throw at it, the more force it will offload.

Hammond shakes his head like it's surprising that Major Carter solves the mystery within minutes of her arrival. "And how can we get rid of it?"

"I have no idea, Sir." She says with a smile, promising herself it will take less than 18 hours to figure it out.

* * *

"So someone put a Goa'Uld force field around our gate?" Hammond states, peeking over Sam's shoulder as she types into the computer in the control room. Calculating, running simulations.

"Any idea who?"

Sam's eyes fly up by the sound of the voice of Jack O'Neill. He jogs into the control room, wearing a beanie and a yellow-way-too-big shirt.

"Sorry, I'm out of uniform, Sir. I wanted to see what's going on first," O'Neill says to Hammond, then turns to Sam with a smile. "Here to save our butts?"

She smiles back at him, and for a moment, physics and Stargate technology are the last things she can think about. Ever since his visit In Groom Lake, things are different. They talk on the phone. First, he called with random IT problems, which of course, Siler or even Teal'c could have fixed. But after a few 'oh, that's what that button is for' he skipped the excuses and just called. They don't talk about anything, really. The things that happen in his life are mostly beyond her security clearance, and when she tells him about the technology, she's working on, he quickly stops her. During all this saying nothing, time passes quickly, and they notice that they had spent yet another hour on the phone together. It wasn't anything special, but Sam was sure the man on the line was a Jack O'Neill _Major Carter_ had never known. Or maybe she had—that would explain this tingle in her stomach that feels much more familiar than a new sensation.

"I'm sorry we had to call you back from your downtime," General Hammond says, but Jack waves it away. Without taking his eyes from Sam, he says, "Ah, I was basically still home."

He then turns around and hands a paper to Hammond.

"There's just this speeding ticket someone has to take care of."

Sitting in her chair at the computer in the control room, watching O'Neill in a yellow shirt and beanie handing Hammond a paper, something clicks. It's the nonchalance in the Colonel's behavior, the General's quick confusion, the active gate behind them that lets Sam's mind know with absolute certainty this happened already. It's a dream half-remembered, and for the next few seconds, she can predict precisely what's going to happen next. She will get up, ask 'Retirement? What for?' And try to get a glance at the paper in Hammond's hand. The Colonel will turn to her, lift his hands to her face—a soft smile on his lips and victory in his eyes. He will say 'So I can do this' and then he'll kiss her. The memory is so strong that her stomach drops, and her lips tingle.

"Carter?" His voice comes at her from far away.

"Major? Are you okay?"

General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill squint at her with worry. She's sitting motionless in her chair, her jaw has dropped open, and she's staring at Colonel O'Neill like he's a ghost. The ghost of a memory and not the vision of a deja-vu.

This can't have happened. He couldn't have kissed her here in the control room right in front of Hammond. Someone would have told her about it, or there would be a mark on both of their files. Baffled by what she remembers so clearly, she touches her lips.

"Major, do you remember something?" General Hammond is quick to pick up.

The Colonel is looking at her intensely.

Sam huffs a shocked laugh. "No, … this can't be a memory. This situation just feels familiar…"

General Hammond nods, and with that he moves on, but Colonel O'Neill's eyes won't let go.

"It can't be, right?" Sam says, determine, boring her eyes into the Colonel. There's no way, and yet Jack O'Neill flushes slightly and reaches for a pen to give his restless fingers something to hold on.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Carter," he says in a weak attempt of causality. That moment Daniel jogs into the control room, and with a racing heart, Sam decides to let go. For now, at least. She's not going to let Jack O'Neill out of this so quickly.

* * *

Jack wouldn't trust himself shooting a well-aimed shot right now. His nerves are still more worn rubber band than steel rope. Of all the things Carter could remember, why is it the ones that can get him into so much trouble. And of all, why would she be able to remember the kiss in the time loop when no one else can recall anything that happened in any of the hundreds of repetitions. Jack sighs and grabs a second cup of coffee. Time to find out what she really remembers. Rubber band nerves might just be right to bounce back.

Finding her here, in her lab, hunched over some device, soldering two cables together, is a punch in his guts. A revelation once more of how much he misses her.

"Who did you kick out to get your old lab back?" Jack says and pushes the cup of coffee over to her.

She smiles, sniffs at the coffee and takes a sip.

"Apparently it is still considered 'my' lab by some people," Carter says, throwing him a knowing look.

Great, so she's in the 'not letting Jack O'Neill get away with pretending he doesn't know' mood. It's the most dangerous Carter. Especially after earlier in the control room, he's pretty sure just by her challenging look that she didn't file it away as a deja-vu.

"Yeah, you know, the geek spot on SG-1 is also still considered yours by some people." Sometimes, on rare occasions, distracting her works. By the way she squints her eyes and calls out his attempt, not today.

"You really know how to charm a scientist."

"Fixed the gate yet?" He ignores her remark.

"Perhaps this can work. Someone and I assume Anubis, enclosed our gate with a force field. To do so, they would have to create an enormous amount of energy so that the forcefield stays stable through the wormhole. I believe if we're able to inject energy into the forcefield, it would cause a shortcut in their energy source and probably blow it up. It's quite interesting really, naquadah can..."

"Argh, I'm on vacation," Jack interrupts her, even though he should just let her talk. It would distract her for at least a few more minutes, and maybe that's the way to navigate out of the rough waters he's facing, but technobabble is just another form of punishment, and he's always preferred raw force over mind games.

"Just… do it," Jack says and claps his hands.

"I'll need another hour to remodel the generator," Carter says, and her head dives into the machine again.

Jack is naive to believe that this would be it. As he quietly turns around and is almost out of the door, her voice stops him. "You kissed me."

A dozen different flippant responses automatically rise to the tip of his tongue. Anything to make her believe that she's wrong and whatever she thinks she remembers didn't happen. It would be easy to offer to ask Hammond because if it happened, he would remember, wouldn't he? But Carter wouldn't be Carter if she didn't think it all through.

"So far, I can come up with two possible explanations. It happened when aliens invaded the SGC and used the mimetic imaging device to take our appearance. You and General Hammond were compromised, but I wasn't. But it would have been such a diversion from your normal behavior that I would have known it's not you. So explanation two: the time loop."

That's the exact moment when his heart stops beating, and he lives on as a dead man. It's only going to a matter of seconds before Carter is going to serve him his ass on a platter. He turns around slowly. Her blue gaze is rife with calculation.

"You didn't have to fear any ramifications," she says. There's no anger in her voice—just pure curiosity and perhaps a little nervousness.

"Carter," Jack says slowly. When it comes to him and her, his entire vocabulary exists out of this one word.

"Just tell me, it drives me crazy not to know if it's a memory or a…"

A what? A dream? A wish?

"I think you owe me that, Jack."

The use of his first name reanimates his heart just now it's galloping in his chest, trying to break free to unite with hers.

"Carter," he tries again, helpless to form any other words. But she understands his language.

"So it happened," she nods and drops her eyes. He can hear how she lets out a long breath, and when she looks up again, there isn't anything left of the stalwart soldier. It's the woman underneath of it who he's only met on rare occasions. The kiss is one of them.

"Carter."

Goddammit, Jack. Say something else.

"Why?"

He drops his arms, looks over his shoulder, and steps closer to her desk. Why? He had asked himself that question a million times. Always with the same answer.

"Carter," he says again. This time it's resignation, and she understands.

"So when I was trapped behind a Goa'Uld force field, and you wouldn't leave me…"

"Happened," he sighs.

"Right," she's nodding; he can watch her thoughts click in place.

"Were you planning on telling me?"

Someday, after he retired.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" Jack stumbles.

Carter huffs, and then a slight red flush spreads from her neck up to her cheeks. "I guess I would have done the same," she says and ducks her head with a shy smile.

Ookay.

He smiles back and shoves his hands into his pockets.

"You have four hours before your personal deadline to fix the gate is up," Jack says. Nods at her, and she grins back. They are okay. He feels the strange urge to humm as he leaves her lab.

* * *

Sixteen hours and 21 minutes. And the forcefield is destroyed, and the gate is working again. Sam hasn't slept in 29 hours, but she's never felt more alive. Adrenaline is buzzing through her body and laughter rolls of her tongue as she sits with Daniel, Teal' and Jack in his backyard. The sun is slowly coming up behind the trees, glinting through the droplets on her beer bottle.

It's the first time since she woke up without any recollection of the past seven years that she feels like she knows who she is and where she belongs. She's still missing details, facts, can't remember most of what happened to her, but she remembers her feelings, her values. She doesn't navigate through life anymore without trusting her decisions. They are consistent now. She's Major Carter. And these men are her family. Daniel has fallen asleep in the hammock, Teal'c stares into the distance, and she finds Jack looking at her. He grins mischievously as she catches his eyes.

With a grunt, Daniel shoots up from the hammock and says, "I gotta go."

He falls more than he climbs out of the hammock.

"Are you gonna stay around for a bit?" he asks Sam as he ruffles through his hair.

"I was thinking about staying the weekend."

"Don't you have that conference?" Jack asks Daniel, and he curses.

"Right." He checks his watch and suddenly is wide awake. "I've got a plane to catch in two hours."

The slow night into morning turns hectic quickly when Daniel hurries Teal'c to drive him home, and he throws his arms around Sam for a way too early goodbye. Five minutes later, she finds herself alone in Jack O'Neill's backyard.

"Breakfast?" he asks and, without waiting for her answer, walks into the house. She follows him slowly. She's only been here once. Well probably more often than that, but she only remembers the one visit. This house is Jack O'Neill. Warm, considered, comfortable. The pictures on the wall show his parents, Charlie, a young Captain O'Neill in the cockpit of a Lockheed Martin F-16 Fighting Falcon, smiling into camera undiluted from what life would throw at him. And there are two images of SG-1. One, Sam recognizes, from their early days. She looks like the young Captain she remembered to be. Smiling brightly into the camera, her shoulders square, her chin held proudly. The other one must be into year four or five. It's a snapshot that captures her beaming at Colonel O'Neill, who is saying something. She doesn't recall the moment, but the feeling is familiar.

Jack is in the kitchen whisking eggs with beer. Seeing him doing something so domestic does weird things to her insides, and she takes another quick sip from her beer. Maybe coffee would be more advisable given it's 7 am and that she's on the brink of doing something perhaps stupid.

"What's your vacation plan?" Sam says as she leans against the counter, watching him navigate his kitchen. He lifts his brows in surprise, then seems to remember that she doesn't remember.

"Fishing. I have a house by a lake in Minnesota. Land of sky blue waters. Basses that get thaat big."

His excitement is contagious, and she can't help but smile.

"Sounds beautiful."

His eyes lock hers, and the easiness on his face slips away. He nods and grins again. Oddly it seems like he wants to say something, but then he reconsiders and turns back to the eggs. "It is," he settles for.

The memory of the kiss is burning on her lips as if it only happened today when she says, "I never said yes, did I?"

He musters her for a moment before he says, "I'm getting the feeling you're playing us."

"Didn't get the Nobel Prize for the particle beam, so now I'm going for an Emmy," Sam quips back, which lets his eyebrows fly up.

"I did read the reports," she clarifies.

"Right." He takes a beat before he turns back to the eggs.

With sudden clarity, she remembers what she felt when he wouldn't let her go. How her heart shattered when he dropped almost dead in front of her. How it skipped a million beats when the kiss flashed through her mind. Her feelings are back with such an intensity that they make her do stupid things. Like saying the following, "So you're going to ask me or what?"

The toast pops out of the toaster and breaks the silence that fills the kitchen after her questions. Jack doesn't dare to look at her, has his eyes fixed on the eggs. When the silence is too long even by their standards, he looks up and says, "Fishing?"  
It's unbelieving and comes with a significant portion of doubt. He carefully arranges his masks, but Sam can see behind it.

"Yes," she says. Because she has no doubts. He's here. She's in Nevada. It's not against the rules. Not any more thanks to a decision she made that had nothing to do with her feelings for him. It's okay to figure out what this absurd storm in her stomach whenever he smiles at her means.

"As in?" he says, a smile he's unable to suppress flashed over his face.

"Yes, I would like to come."

**Stay safe y'all. And remember: reviews keep me writing.**


	9. Chapter IX

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter IX**

* * *

Jack's a lucky man when it comes to getting away with his life. In all other regards, he considers himself everything but. A theory that's proven once again when Carter invites herself to his fishing trip. A move so unpredictable that even she seems surprised by it. He has barely time to gather his thoughts, think about what this can mean, and if he should take her with him when his phone rings. He curses under breath and throws her an apologetic look. He should just let it ring. How many times has he hoped she would say yes? Now that she did, he understands why she always hesitated. It's not a very smart idea.

The smell of burned eggs mixes in the air with her statement, "Yes, I would like to come." and the penetrant sound of his phone.

"I should," he nods to his phone. Carter smiles and moves to the stove to try to salvage the eggs.

He watches her scarp the pan, butter the toast, pour coffee all while Daniel babbles in his ear. Something about SG-3 and an ancient repository on P3X-439. The words slip in on one side and out of the other because his brain is busy processing this new Carter here in his kitchen. The one that wants to go fishing with him. She seems to remember more. The scary thing about what she remembers is that she's missing context. It's true, much of this context is not relevant anymore. He's not her commanding officer. They don't even work in the same facility. Done right, their professional paths don't even need to cross. Teal'c is the better pilot to test any fighter she'll build, and any scientist at the SGC the better pick to go and visit her for other reasons at Area 51. And yet, there's this other thing. She doesn't belong in a lab. Sooner or later, she'll realize that herself and then he'll be in her way of pursuing her career in the SGC.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice rips him from his thoughts.

"Yes."

"Did you even listen?"

"Um…"

"Our vacation is canceled. We're going to P3X-439," Daniel says, and Jack is torn between letting out a sigh of relief or frustration. He's never been a lucky man.

"See you in an hour," Jack says and hangs up, his eyes pinned to Carter, who freezes for a moment, then slowly turns around.

"Fishing canceled?" she says very matter of factly.

"Yes…" Jack grunts and wants to add that he's sorry but decides against it.

She nods, bites her lips, and then smiles. Duty first, even this new Carter lives by that standard.

* * *

A knock rips Jack out of the dazy state of existence he's been in the entire afternoon. He's trying not to think for as long as his mind is his to control. Slowly he peels himself from the sofa and gets up with a sigh. It's probably Daniel trying to ease his bad conscience. Not that he hasn't tried already.

Jack waddles through the hallway and pulls the door open, a flippant remark ready on his tongue.

"Hi, Sir."

_Carter?_

"Carter?"

"Did I wake you?"

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"Daniel called," Carter says as if that would explain why she veered about 800 miles off course.

"Ah," Jack answers and tightens his grip around the doorknob.

"He told me what happened."

Does Daniel really feel so guilty that he needs Carter to mend the fences for him? She looks at him with bright blue eyes, and Jack realizes that he should probably let her in.

"There's coffee around here," Jack mumbles as Carter moves into his house behind him. Without turning around, he heads for the kitchen to look for coffee and take a deep breath. He's really trying not to think about what it means that she hopped on a plane to be here right now. On that thought: Coffee won't do.

"Maybe not. Do you want a beer?" He says into the fridge, pulling out two bottles without even waiting for her reply.

"Sure, why not." Comes from his living room.

He finds her looking at the pictures on the wall. As he presses the bottle into her hand, Carter nods at a picture of Sarah.

"Do you ever talk to her?"

Oh please, Carter, let's make this even more awkward.

"Can we not talk about that?" Jack replies, moves past her, and slumps down onto the sofa.

"Sorry," Carter says and turns the bottle in her hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Can we not talk about that either?"

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" By the look on her face, this is the first time she's thinking about the fact that she flew 800 miles and knocked on his door without notice. A flash of conscience appears on her face, and she puts the bottle down. "You want to be alone. This was a bad…I should go."

Carter is halfway out of the room when he calls her back.

"When's your flight back?"

Carter sighs. The magnitude of what she's doing is settling in. "Tomorrow morning."  
"So enough time to finish your beer," Jack says and nods to her bottle on the table. This is a very bad idea. But he's never been good at coming up with good ones.

The sofa shifts slightly as she settles in next to him and takes a sip of her beer. He can feel how Carter is suppressing another sigh, but then it just burps out of her, "I should have been there."

Yeah, he was right. Carter is not meant to sit in a lab. She needs the adrenaline, the rush, the danger. But in this case, Jack's glad she hadn't been there. Who knows what Carter would have done?

"To do what? Stick your head into that thing?"

Carter sways her head like she's considering the option.

"Are you nuts? Carter, you're one of this country's natural resources, if not national treasures."

If not the love of his life. But he's so not going there.

"I just hope it's worth it," Jack says.

"Even if we do find the Lost City, even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet..." Carter is getting more and more agitated, building to something he just can't deal with right now.

"That could be worth it," Jack cuts her short.

Silence falls between them, and he finishes his beer with a long gulp. When he dares to look at Carter, her face is all determined and soft at the same time.

"Not for me," Carter says, locking his eyes.

They've danced around this for so long. Never spoke about it besides that uttered admission half a lifetime ago. The one time they slipped, on an ice planet without remembering who they were, they overcorrected their course so dramatically that for some time, Jack believed it had passed. This new Carter is making a perfect mess out of his carefully built-up illusion.

"Because to me…"

Jack jumps up and stops her, mid-sentence, "Carter, please."

"I found the letters I wrote for the case I'd die. And I felt like such a coward for waiting until it's too late…" She huffs, and Jack's desperately trying to find a way to stop her. He's short of wrestling her down and covering her mouth with his hands, but he finds himself unable to move or talk—his body that old traitor.

"It's pretty late now, but at least I can look you in the eyes when I…"

"Carter, this isn't you. Going fishing with me, coming here to tell me… This isn't you," Jack shouts. "Believe me, the second you remember the past seven years, you will regret it. I won't let that happen."

"So now you're telling me I'm not the same person as Major Carter?" she snaps.

"When it comes to this, yes."

The shock his words cause breaks her face apart. But she's quick to recover and says sharply, "Don't you think I should make that decision."

"You did, Carter. You did. You decided to leave it in the room."

Truth is—but he's not going to bother her with this story—it would kill him if she remembered and regretted it. It happened once, and he barely came out alive. When for a couple of weeks, they lived their lives as Jonah and Therra. Down there in the grip of slavery and bad gooey food, he found happiness, just for it to be ripped away from him the moment their memories kicked in. The night they returned to Earth with newfound memories and a whole bag of even more intense feelings, he found himself in his truck in front of her house. He knew he shouldn't. That the tiny conversation they had was all there needed to be said. _Sir. _And yet there was Jonah's voice in his head, telling him that now of all times was the moment to change their situation. Asking him if Jack really could pretend nothing had happened and continue living a life of denial. He almost decided for _no_ when Carter's door opened, and her silhouette appeared in the dim light of her hallway. Jack got out of his car and leaned against the hood, needing something to hold onto when she stopped in front of him. There was pain in her face and sadness in her voice when she said, "We can't give up now. This is too important." And with this, their temporary happiness was forgotten, the rules set in stone. Without any struggle, Carter had evacuated to their professional relationship. He wouldn't go through that again. Letting go just to reverse when her memory came back.

Carter must see the pain in his face, the torn man twist in his chest. She gets up and suddenly stands way too close.

"There's almost nothing I can remember from the past six years. Only this feeling that bubbles up every time I see you or think about you. I know it's not new because it's not as light as a crush can be. It comes with all the pain and denial and heaviness and bruises of an unhappy love. And yet it's the only thing that stops me from continuing my old life or heading into something completely new. It keeps me right here because somehow, I think this is the chance we never had. I just need to know… do you feel anything like that for me? Have you ever?"

His greatest battle, fought tooth and nail and lost without glory, is happening inside his body. Heart against head. It is epic, even though it only encompasses a few seconds. Braindead, as he is after heart's victory, his reaction is slow. Too slow. Before he can step forward and kiss her, because really, what good are words when you can just wrap your arms around the person you love and show her how much you do, Carter's phone rings. She flinches and lowers her eyes in desperation. It is work. Must be. She fiddles the phone out of her pocket and says, "General Bricks."

Jack is trying to lasso his heart, which has already vaulted the gap between Carter and him while she's listening. The rosy blush on her cheeks calms down, and her eyes settle for her toes. She bounces her head a couple of times and then says, "I understand, Sir."

When she hangs up, Jack's brain has regained some power, so he's not launching forward instead looks at her questioning. There's a significant shift in her demeanor. The openness is gone, Major Carter taking over.

"I just received new orders," she says and flips her phone shut.

Her eyes are penetrating him, but Jack doesn't know what it is she wants from him right now. The answer to her earlier question or for him to ask what those new orders are. Given that they can change their entire dynamic once again, he carefully says, "Which are?"  
It's a rhetorical question. He can feel his phone vibrate in his pockets, that's all the answer he needs.

"I'm back at SG-1."

He's an unlucky man.

**Thanks for all your comments. Looking forward to reading what you think about this chapter. I know it's yet another twist, but it's Sam & jack you guys. It's never easy with the two of them. Stay healthy. **

**Reviews keep me writing**


	10. Chapter X

**Heart First**

* * *

**Chapter X**

* * *

Impending elimination has a calming effect. At least when it comes to nervous hot feelings about a certain Colonel who is, after months of opportunity, Sam's Colonel again. She could regret waiting too long for telling him. She could go it over and over in the back of her mind. But luckily, Anubis and a Lost City keep her occupied not to dwell. The ship's engine that just won't produce more power to make the ship go faster entertains her remaining brain cells. It's only when O'Neill starts to lose himself and uses ancient words more frequently that her brain finds the extra capacity to think about him.

Here in the dim, golden light of the engine room the oh so dangerous intimacy is back and once again she thinks about one of the few things she can remember: Jack O'Neill standing on the opposite side of a force field, refusing to leave her behind, deciding that he'd rather die than be without her.

The Colonel pushes a violet crystal into the panel. Sam knows it's the shield crystal, and from what she's learned, inserting it into the hyperdrive could cause system failure, but it's ancient knowledge at work, so she says nothing and watches.

"Give me your zat," Colonel O'Neill says, and she does so.

The familiar zing of the zat wraps the crystals, and the hum of the engine raises a pitch.

"Here you go," he says and hands the zat back to her. As Sam reaches for it, their hands collide, and for a light-year in accelerated hyperspeed, they stay in contact.

"I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I determined it …" Sam says because something needs to ease the tension that has nothing to do with the crystals.

"Do it now," O'Neill answers and holds her eyes. It's not resignation, but acceptance. He knows what unavoidably is coming for him, and he's too great of a man to deny it.

"I don't think that's necessary yet," Sam answers.

"I trust you. I'll make it easy for you. I resign. You're in charge."

This man has so much faith in her that it is scary and emboldening at once. With confidence, she realizes that her trust in herself is back too. Nothing left of the uncertain Carter she'd been a year ago.

"Okay," she says and smiles softly.

"About our conversation at your house…"

"Don't worry about it, Carter," he cuts her off. But she doesn't worry. She has long stopped worrying about this between him and her.

"I still mean what I said." If only he would stop worrying. His face melts and becomes all soft, yet his eyes scrutinize her.

"I don't want your brain filled only with ancient thoughts when I'm telling you I love you for the first time."

It's a cliche what her body does when those words leave her lips. Twisters in her stomach. Jell-O in her knees. Stars, and universal blackness in front of eyes. He is quiet for a very long time. His eyes wander over every inch of her face as if searching for a little twitch that gives away she doesn't mean it. It hurts to watch him like this, desperately trying to hold up the guard he's built up in the past years. It's only now that she realizes how fucked up their relationship really is. Through how many pains they must have gone, for him to stand here, hours before he's losing his memory and possibly dying, trying to be the Colonel he expects himself to be. Only when a nervous puff escapes her lips, something flares up in his eyes. He looks down, and now her stomach is dropping as if space just discovered gravity. Maybe he isn't scared and respectful. Maybe he just doesn't feel that way for her anymore. But then he pushes the crystal panel between them shut and steps forward. His hands fly up and swoop in her neck, pull her close while pushing forward, and his lips onto hers. There's no hesitation in his movement, nothing that leaves her questioning what he feels. Sam melts into his body and reciprocates the kiss with the same intensity. When the need for air is undeniable, he doesn't let go but holds her head between his hands, running his thumbs softly over her cheeks. Forehead to forehead, nose to nose. His breath swirls over her face, and when she opens her eyes, she finds his.

"Carter," he mumbles, and once again, her name has another meaning. Something along the lines of sorry for being such an idiot.

* * *

"How are you?"

Daniel is leaning in the door to Sam's lab.

"Hey Daniel," she says and leans back in her chair. A glance at the clock reveals she's been sitting here for good five hours.

Daniel moves into her lab and pushes a cup of coffee over to her.

"What are you doing?"

Sam sighs and takes a sip of her coffee.

"Waiting, I guess."

They contacted the Asgards right after they arrived back in Cheyenne Mountain from their victorious battle in Antarctica. Sam was glad to be absorbed by the mountain where everyone shared their worries about Colonel O'Neill left behind as a frozen popsicle in Antarctica. The mood on their transport back on the Prometheus had been loud and enthusiastic. Everyone riding on the tailwinds of victory over Anubis, while all Sam could think of was his frozen face behind the cold surface.

"I was thinking that they might be monitoring the Replicators in Othala," Sam says.

"And that's why they don't respond to our message?"

Sam nods. "The cargo ship Colonel O'Neill modified could get us there."

Daniel's eyes pierce her, and she braces for what comes next.

"Sam, did you understand what he said?" Daniel asks.

Sam is trying hard to control her features, but it won't quite work. She can feel them slipping into absolute sadness.

"Yeah…" she mumbles.

"I mean, it's ancient, so…" Daniel tries again. Clearly not only curious about her basic Latin skills.

"I know, Daniel," Sam says sharply.

Daniel nods, his brow furrowed as he takes another sip from his coffee. When Sam believes Daniel is letting go of that topic, he proves his stubbornness and says, "It's pretty big, Sam. Do you want to talk about it?"

Te quoque amo.

Anyone who'd ever been to Italy could piece that together. After Teal'c had put Jack into the chamber, before the ice or whatever it was, encased him, he had said: te quoque amo. Te = you. Amo = love. The words she had hoped to hear just a little bit earlier. When they weren't a sign of surrender—of goodbye.

"Not really," she says and pushes up from her chair, turning to a machine whose blinking lights begin to blur in front of her eyes.

"General Bricks has given me four weeks until I have to report back to Area 51. That might be just enough time to get to the Asgards and get Colonel O'Neill out of there." Focussing on the task on hand is more manageable than allowing herself to think about his words.

Daniel huffs but only says, "So we should better convince Dr. Weirr today that we need to go."

Sam nods, trying her hardest to force those traitorous tears back down. She can hear the shuffles in Daniel's BDU and can practically see his look in front of her eyes. After a beat of silence, his steps indicate that he's retreating. Everything is said.

"Daniel," Sam stops him before he's out of the door. She turns around when she asks, "What does quoque mean?"

He smiles softly, but then his face turns blank quickly. "Too," he says.

Sam nods.

I love you too.

**Reviews keep me writing. **


	11. Chapter XI

**Heart First **

* * *

**Chapter XI**

* * *

It's early in the morning. The birds are chirping so loudly that Sam expects to be waking up outside in the woods. When she finally manages to heavy her eyes open, she's surprised to find herself sprawled in a big bed with white sheets. It's a cozy bedroom with a simple wooden drawer on the opposite wall and a blue armchair in the corner. Sunlight falls through the big window, interrupted by trees swaying in the wind. Sam rolls to the side and slowly gets up. Some rumms and dumms are coming from somewhere deep in the house, and the fresh smell of coffee wanders through the air. She slips into a sweater, then shuffles out of the room, down the hallway straight to the kitchen, just as if she's done it a million times. There's another bedroom, a bathroom, where she stops quickly to brush her teeth with her toothbrush that's sitting in a cup, next to s green one. A brand, she knows, only one person likes.

When Sam walks into the kitchen, the so familiar silhouette of Jack O'Neill outlines against the kitchen window that's overlooking a big, blue lake. Eggs are sizzling in a pan, coffee is dripping through the maker, and toast pops out, calling for his attention. When he turns around and finds her standing in the kitchen of his cabin, he smiles softly.

"Good Morning, sleepyhead."

She must be still half asleep and disregards the sleepyhead comment, instead looks at him closely, the two-day-old scruff something she's only seen when they've been stranded for a few days. His hair is sticking into all directions, and the little hole in his soft shirt reveals a speck of warm, tanned skin.

"Morning, Sir," Sam says and shuffles closer.

He slides a plate with eggs, toast, and bacon to her and smirks at her.

"Let's make this the only slip today," he says teasingly, and she can't help but smile.

They settle in at the kitchen table. Sam takes a sip of her coffee. Milk, no sugar, just the way she drinks it. She leans back and looks around. It's exactly how she imagined it. Simple yet cozy, warm, and so much like him. But as Sam takes a bite from the eggs and she spots his barefoot, the feeling that this is wrong very wrong overtakes and pushes her comfortableness away. She's never been at his cabin. Only knows it from Teal'c's descriptions. And most certainly, Colonel O'Neill has never and would never call her sleepyhead. But then again, her head hasn't been the most reliable lately.

"You good, Carter?" He has stopped eating and watches her closely over his cup of coffee.

"Uh-uh," Sam mutters. "I just… when did we get here?"

His eyebrows fly up, but he's all calm when he answers. "Yesterday morning. Right after the Asgards defrosted and deancient me."

Sam nods. Yeah. He had been frozen in Antarctica, and she and Teal'c had found Thor to ask him for help. Oddly though, everything that happened after is a blur.

"Thor beamed us home, you said your goodbyes to the SGC, and we picked up where ancient knowledge and imminent armageddon interrupted us." A boyish grin spreads on his face, and he can't stop himself from suggestively raising his eyebrows. "This was totally worth sticking my head into that thing."

She had told him she loved him. They kissed. He said, I love you too. Just why can't she remember anything that happened between being beamed onto Thor's ship seconds before their cargo ship shattered into pieces and waking up in his cabin?

When Sam looks up from her plate, the shift in his features is instant. A dark cloud racks over his face, hardening it to a protective layer. He pushes back slightly.

"Carter, if you changed your mind… If this..." He gestures vaguely between him and her. "Is not what you want…"

"No," she says quickly. Panic bubbling up in her chest. "I want this. I do. It's just…" Before she can finish her sentence, he smiles softly and covers her hand with his.

"It's been rough days. A lot has happened, but this is real," Jack says and squeezes her hand tightly.

Sam tries a smile and nods. She really wants to believe it, but something about the poignant expression in his eyes is just a little bit off.

Everything had been so complicated in the past year that she just doesn't want to spoil this moment. So she shoves the uncomfortable feelings deep into the room that held other feelings just a few months ago and enjoys. Enjoys a day with Jack O'Neill. Kissing in the kitchen—which feels very real in all sorts of places of her body. Fishing in a lake with no fish. Dozing off in his arms, swinging in a hammock. The most simple day and yet the most special one she's had in a very very long time. It's surprising how easy it seems for him to forget the seven years of Colonel and Major, while she slips all the time.

It's late in the afternoon, the sun is hanging low in the trees and reflects warmly off the lake, and Sam's thoughts have drifted far far to the other shore when he gets up and says, "Want another beer, babe?"

It's 'babe' when she knows. When the looming sensation of too good to be true is confirmed—this is not real. Jack O'Neill would never ever call her babe. Dating or not. She gets up slowly, trying to gather her thoughts, waiting for him to come back outside. There's no way she's going to confront him in the confines of his house. Even though Jack O'Neill would never hurt, Sam is not so sure about that imposer.

Colonel O'Neill strolls out of his cabin, holding two bottles of beer and a very self-satisfied grin. He hands her a bottle and takes a sip.

"Who are you?" Sam asks, turning the bottle in her hand, ready to be used as a weapon.

Disappointment spreads in his face, and he shakes his head slowly.

"I thought we were past this. I thought you would finally admit to how you feel and not retreat like all the other times. But no. Do you get a thrill out of leading me on and then dumping me?" O'Neill smashes his beer bottle on the jetty. Anger dominating his face. She's never seen him like this. And even though they've never been in a situation like this, she knows he wouldn't react this way. Because she remembers. She remembers exactly what happened after the Zar'Tarc test. She remembers the time as Jonah and Therra and how he showed up at her house afterward. She remembers everything. The past seven years. Their dynamics, the way they used to retread and built up barriers higher and sturdier whenever they let them down just an inch. Her memories are back with such clarity and pinching pain in her head that she needs to hold onto the back of her chair. Her vision blurs, and then she knows.

"Fifth," she says, and the pain stops.

Colonel O'Neill's expression turns absolutely blank. His movements are unnaturally stiff as he comes closer and transforms into Fifth right in front of her.

"Samantha."

"Why are you doing this?" she says, letting the beer bottle drop.

"Because I want to be with you, and you want to be with him," Fifth says as this is the most logical thing in the world.

"Did you really think that you could convince me that this illusion was my life? That I would just accept it?" Sam asks.

"If it was something you wanted badly enough in your mind."

She does. She really wants it. And maybe it would be easier to give in and have what she wants without all the problems that this brings. Because now she remembers that she's Major Carter. That she could never have imagined giving up her job for a relationship with Jack O'Neill. But even though her memories are back, the way she changed didn't change back. She doesn't regret telling him that she loves him. She doesn't regret moving to Area 51 to give their love a chance. She's not going to need a fantasy to kiss him—no repetition of what happened on the Prometheus.

"But you're not him," Sam says sharply.

An evil grin slips over Fifth's face before once again, Jack O'Neill stands in front of her, and with his image, a nauseating feeling rises.

"Carter, I love you. We can finally be together," Fifth, as Jack O'Neill says and reaches for her hand.

"Not like this," she says, moving backward. "I could never be happy this way."

O'Neill's features harden when he says, "Then you will be unhappy for a very long time."

Panic mixes with pain. The man Fifth is conjuring is possibly dead. Escaping Fifth and his false reality might mean going back to a world without him. But she is rather without him than with a fake version.

"You can't just keep me here forever."

"Yes, I can," Fifth says implacably.

"No matter what you do, I will never, ever participate in this fantasy," Sam says. It's the real thing or nothing.

He is coming closer, and Sam thinks about fighting, but she's trapped in a world made by Fifth. There's no point in even trying. He's backed her up to the end of the jetty. His face an unreadable mix of love and hatred. He leans in. Sam's not sure if he is about to kiss her or hurt her. Before she finds out, he freezes and looks to the side. She follows his glance, spotting nothing but trees. Yet his eyes are fixed to a point in the distance as if he sees something else.

"What?" Sam asks, and then he's gone. His beer bottle hovers in the air before it falls and smashes.

"Fifth," she yells over the lake. "I know you can hear me. What's happening? Fifth, where are you?"

She's greeted with silence, but when she turns around, Fifth is standing right there again.

"We must leave," he says, the usual robot-like calmness ruffled by fear.

"Why?"

"They've found a means to fight us," Fifth says while his eyes wander into the distance again.

"The Asgard? How?" Thanks little grey man for saving us once again.

"No, him," Fifth says, and then Jack O'Neill is standing in front of her again.

It can't be.

"What?"

"So many of us are left in the city. We cannot wait for them. They will be killed."

"Don't expect me to be sorry," Sam says, a package of hope lodging on her chest.

"Your friends. They are killing…trying to stop us." Panic is widening his eyes.

"Trying to save me," Sam says. She knows she needs to distract him. To buy them time before, he focuses his and all other replicators' attention to attack SG-1.

"No! They do not care about you. I told them I would kill you if they did not stop."

"Then why don't you kill me? You know why my friends won't stop, just to save me?"

"No."

"Because they know when it comes right down to it, I would rather be dead than be trapped like this forever. No matter what you feel for me, I will never love you back. Kill me if you want, but if you have even one shred of humanity in you and you really, truly love me, you'll let me go."

With a stubborn will, Fifth locks her eyes, then lifts his hand and suddenly the world around Sam clouds, and she starts falling.

* * *

This can't be happening. He can't be coming back from being a frozen popsicle to a world where Carter is abducted and killed by replicators. The mechanical sounds of the bugs are everywhere around him. Jack's shooting blindly into all directions when suddenly the sounds stop, and all he can hear is his heart trying to break free in his chest. Thor's voice triumphs through the radio.

"O'Neill, the weapon worked. Reports from the colony say, all the remaining replicators have been neutralized. While the ship did escape, at least we have an effective means of fighting them now."

The ship has escaped. The ship, Carter must be on. Carried into the universe by techno bugs that have a thing for her. If this is the case, he might ask Thor to freeze him again.

"Yeah, well, at least there's that," Jack huffs into the comm device. He lets out a long sigh, trying his hardest to keep it together when he hears Thor's voice again.

"O'Neill. I am detecting a fourth life sign in your immediate vicinity."

Carter.

"SAM!" Daniel yells already, and they disperse in different directions. As Jack is running through the forest on a planet in a galaxy far away from home, there's only one thing coming to his mind. If they are going to find Carter alive, he's going to stop pretending he doesn't love her. Stop pretending that living a life without her is something he is capable of. He's going to repeat it. In his words, with a clear mind, without looming death. I love you.

"Over here," Teal'c yells from a few meters east.

When Jack steps through the bushes, he can immediately spot her blonde hair shimmering in the sunlight. Teal'c has helped her up when Jack falls onto his knees next to her. His heart is about to burst in half when she smiles at him.

"Are you okay?" he says instead of the words his lips have already formed.  
"Glad to see you," Carter says with a brilliant smile that makes him thankful that he's wearing his shades.

"Likewise," he says and reaches out to pull Carter up to her feet. He can't quite get himself to let go of her, so they stand there staring at each other until Daniel asks, "What happened?"

Carter's flush is the most adoring thing Jack's seen in a very long time.

"Fifth tried to keep me with him," she says and ruffles through her hair. The magnitude of what happened starts to set in.

"Why?" Daniel asks.

"He, uh, loves me?"

Bastard.

Her eyes flick over to Jack, and he's not sure what to read into her expression.

"How did he try to keep you?" Daniel asks.

"He created a world he thought I would want to live in." Again her eyes fly to him.

"Wow," Daniel says.

"Yeah, very romantic, but you know. There's no place like home," Jack quips before Daniel is getting too philosophical about a techno bug kidnapping Carter out of love.

"Right," Carter says, her smile fixated on him in a way that makes his insides all giddy.

"Did he stick his hand into your head?" Jack says because that smile makes him more than nervous. Falling back to their old routine seems much safer now, especially under Daniels's scrutinizing look.

"Yes, actually, I think it helped," Carter says to the confusion of Jack, Teal'c, and Daniel.

"I do not understand," Teal'c says.

"I think that thanks to him, my memories are back. I can remember everything."

His heart drops or stops beating altogether. She remembers. So she remembers that she won't ever be with him as long as there is a war to fight. And even though Anubis is defeated, with Fifth, Sam Carter just made a new nemesis.

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